If you have followed me for a while, you may remember me writing about the moment when I was 11 when I had this inkling that my father wasn’t my father.
That inkling soon turned into a full blown knowing, that at that age I didn’t really know how to explain and so when I shared the feeling with my poor, unsuspecting, neighbour, I am pretty sure she thought their friend may have been going cray-zee.
Actually, her words were, “are you crazy”?
Turns out, I was right about that and not going crazy!
But I didn’t wake up one morning and hear a message from an unseen force that told me he wasn’t my dad.
I didn’t have any premonitions or visions.
No angels visited, or spirits or whispers in my ear.
And yet, for the longest time, that is what I thought it was to be intuitive.
I thought there was a certain way and you could be either intuitive or not.
I didn’t know that to be intuitive was, in it’s most simple, to pay deep attention.
What I did know is that I have is a deep curiosity about life and experiences and I have an incredible ability to hear beneath what is being said sometimes. Then, there is this kind of defragging a whole lot of small moments that often all flood in at once, that made my body go ‘hmmmmm’.
That is what intuition feels like for me.
I often even make the sound in my throat. When something sparks my curiosity, a word, a sentence, and image, and then I combine it with another word, or image, or feeling my body goes ‘hmmmmmm’ *oh insert song link..things that make you go hmmmmm*.
Intuition is like a deep trusting of what I feel in the moment.
I’ve always known that I had this intuitive sense about things, but for most of my life, I have not paid attention to it, because the story I told was, the things I had ‘hmmmmm’ feelings about were things that had the potential to cause me or others pain.
So, much of my life, I haven’t really honoured this ‘knowing’.
Recently I was doing some work training and a surprising theme emerged for me. And unexpected one.
While we worked through a bunch of processes that we use to support humans uncover their truths and desires, I saw a repeated desire that had me intrigued.
What kept appearing was this desire to trust myself.
Before this emerged, I would have said I absolutely trusted myself. And so when it emerged, I got my curious investigator pants on, and went on in for in introspected adventure.
What I discovered, was the unresolved traumas that had occurred as a result of my ‘knowings’. And the list was not particularly long, but seemed to be quite deep.
Couple that with the number of times that I didn’t trust my ‘knowings’, all the times that I would feel the ‘hmmm’ and see all the pieces and still, I’d talk myself out of it. Make up a whole lot of reasons that it wasn’t true.
I also discovered this self judgement of making ‘wrong decisions’ along the way and so as a result, didn’t trust in my ability to make good and ‘right’ decisions (characteristic of a control freak BTW…I’ll leave that for another time).
And as a result, I would choose others over myself, or choose things that were not really aligned with my desires but they were okay or things I ‘should’ be okay with. Time and time and time again and over time, lost my confidence to make a decision and to really trust myself in the process.
Here’s what else emerged.
I thought I needed to trust myself BEFORE I took action on things that I felt a desire to do.
I thought that if I could feel a sense of ‘yes, I trust myself now’ I could make bolder and braver decisions and wouldn’t feel so afraid that I would get it wrong or make a bad choice.
I also thought that everyone else trusted themselves, and I was the only one who didn’t, which made me feel isolated and like I was fundamentally flawed and needed to change and be ‘fixed’.
The result, was that my body felt like it was being ignored and not included in the decision making and so, naturally it didn’t trust the process.
Let me short cut this…NONE of those BS stories my protective mind was making up were true.
What is true, is that trust is built and developed and grown with deep awareness and attention and requires gentle and tender, consistent care.
It requires us to take small, little actions in a direction that is alignment with what we truely desire, and be incredibly aware of what is true for us.
It is in the conscious action, that trust is built.
Not the other way around.
Now days, I’ve noticed I get two distinct intuitive trust vibes.
The ‘hmmmmmm’ vibe is ‘something isn’t adding up here, and requires more investigation (action)’.
And the other is a ‘mmmmmmm’ vibe. It feels so yummy, that I simply must move in that direction (action).
And all of it, I cannot know the outcome of choosing, but in consciously choosing I get to develop a sense of trust not only in me, but in life.
Is there a decision that you feel like is calling you to make right now but you are waiting to trust yourself before you do it?
Is there a feeling you are having that you are not allowing yourself to feel because you are afraid of what it means?
Are you afraid of what will happen if you choose yourself and your intuition?
Well, dear human, guess what? Welcome to earth school. Let life be your teacher.
If you feel like you are struggling with trusting yourself, I offer both Emotional Anatomy and Deep Listening sessions. You can find the things in the ‘offerings’ link below. We do in person connection on line 👏
If you just want to ask a question, send me an email and I will see if I can help. I will certainly give it my best shot!
If you are a research lover like me and you’d like to research the topic of trust, I would completely recommend the work of Dr. Brene Brown. No one knows the things like she does! I am pretty sure she still runs an online course called, “The Anatomy of Trust”.
Until next we meet, keep being brave, keep showing up and keep sharing beautiful you.