Hey sweet one!
Recently I’ve been exploring (and noticing more and more in conversations) about what it feels like to undo old patterns and notice things in our lives that used to serve us, and now no longer do.
It might be friendships, intimate relationships, jobs, places where folks live.
The mere questioning of what suits us can sometimes (usually) feel really unsettling.
This of course makes sense, because when we begin to question patterns that have kept things ‘safe’ and ‘familiar’ the nervous system (which is designed to keep us safe) starts to freak out…
Change = the unknown = loss of control = vulnerability = danger, danger, danger.
It’s normal, just most of think we are losing our minds and sometimes friends and jobs!
The irony is that in this human experience, change is the only constant.
And yet most of us humans are really trying to prevent change from happening.
Gripping. Controlling. Over analysing. Obsessing.
All very human!
Some of us can feel really out of depth. Feel like the friends who used to vibe with us, no longer do (I’ve written about why HERE if you are interested).
Perhaps you used to spend lots of time gossiping about other people and commenting on their lives, and then you start to realise that this doesn’t actually add a lot of good vibes to your life, and in fact, makes you feel worse. And yet, all the people you engage with knows you this way….
Jobs that have felt fine for a number of years, all of a sudden no longer and do and we find ourselves longing for something different, or more. Satisfaction goes down and it can feel like we are in the wrong place.
Intimate relationships are notorious for this, especially over the long term. Tastes change. Roles change; girlfriend to wife to mother. Vibes change.
So, what do you do if you are feeling like what used to fit, no longer fits?
Well, there are multiple options right? Because there is no one way to do this life.
So I’ll share with you what I did, and let me start by saying, it’s unlikely you will want to choose my way.
Historically, I am a ‘resister’ and a ‘controller’.
Most of my life tried my damndest to stop the dam from opening and rushing water in uncontrollable directions.
I’ve tried to stand in front of the stream of cascading water and stop it from washing away all the things that no longer served me.
I’ve had a loyalty to all the things…even the ones that were hurting me.
Maybe it is the Taurean in me. But most likely, it is the survival patterns that I had learnt and cultivated. The stuff I picked up along the way to help me survive.
But this is the thing with patterns, they just keep running and running and running until we interrupt them. Until we learn from them. And until we do, it will keep showing up. Allowing us to learn.
And most often, they are unconscious…..until they are not. And the only way they become ‘not’ is to actually pay attention. Pay really close attention. And in my expereince, I have some trouble seeing something that is SO familiar to me, that it becomes really tricky to notice. Really notice.
And, because one of my survival patterns was to trust no one (not even myself) I wouldn’t stop long enough to even look at the patterns that I had created, or created in response to lots of environmental and historical impactors.
Until…..my life took a massive nose dive.
Oprah says that life will offer you the opportunity to wake up, repeatedly. First it will send a message in the form of a small pebble, if you don’t pay attention, it will send you a brick and if you ignore that, life will offer you a brick wall and then if we still fail to hear….a demolition truck!
And it’s Oprah, so you know, it’s right, right!
My message came was more like a semi trailer smashing through the brick wall while I was on the other side of the wall, rolling over the top of me and then reversing…slowly.
I was so shut off, it took a series of pebbles, bricks, brick walls and demolition trucks to even scratch the surface.
I just couldn’t see the patterns.
And the biggest pattern…not feeling the feelings or emotions that my little humanness needed to feel. And as a result, bottled them all. And the body doesn’t forget. So I was FULL.
It has taken a number of years and a lot of support to undo the patterns (that still pop up from time to time).
It has taken me to say, “you know what, I don’t know it all”.
It’s taken me to be vulnerable and ask for support to be seen.
It’s taken for me to accept that perfection is bullshit and progress is everything.
It’s taken me a long time to experience self kindness, like what it really means.
I used to judge my experience as me doing something wrong, as being so flawed that shit kept happening to me. And I tried even harder to control things, and stop all the shit from happening.
It wasn’t until I was in a space of humaning that I only had one choice….I had to surrender to the whole experience. All of it. All the pain, all the sadness, all the discomfort, all the anxiety, all the guilt…all the feelings I thought we going to kill me.
And all the while, discovered the thing that I was most afraid of, was the very thing that would set me free from my suffering.
And now, it is my life mission to literally have conversations with humans about the lessons I learnt from the pebbles, the bricks, the brick walls and the demolition trucks!
It is my desire to help folks to pay attention to the pebbles…and to let folks know that even if you have been smashed by a demolition truck, it isn’t because you are bad, it is simply because you are so resilient…
So sweet one, if you have been feeling like you are all over the shop, that pebbles and bricks are too frequently showing up in your life, let me remind you that life is literally so kind, it wants you to wake up to the shit that no longer serves you sweet one. Even if it did once upon a time.
1. you are not an island and you are not meant to do this life thing on your own.
2. asking for support is the bravest thing a human can ever do
3. finding a safe space to share your truth is soul respect
4. pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
5. you are so loved. SO loved. SO SO SO loved. And if you can’t believe it, so liked….you can see you are liked.
Until next we meet sweet heart, keep being brave, keep showing up and keep sharing beautiful you.
PS if you think this might be supportive of another human, please pass it on.