Tonight, I feel like a drink. Like proper feel like one.
It’s been 108 days.
Today, while talking to a friend, was the first time that I actually felt like a drink. And as I sit here now, I am distracted with the idea of a tall glass of wine sitting to the right of me. Red wine. 3/4 glass filled.
I used to write with a wine. I used to cook with a wine. I used to socialise with a wine. I used to look at the clock and think or even say out loud after a loud sigh, “is it too early for a drink”?
This was not that many days ago that I did that.
I set this challenge to myself because I wanted to explore my relationship with alcohol. And while I have never considered myself an alcoholic, I can see that I am instead a ‘numb-er’. Not a number..although, to some spaces and places I am.
A numb-er. A chronically driven ‘take the edge off-er’.
I’ve had my fair share of adversity in my life and I have come through some of the biggest challenges a little battered and a little scarred.
There have been times where I have been on my knees and asking, “why me”? I have. And every time, I hear back, “why not you sweet human”?
In the last two years, I was smashed with a virus that rendered be bed ridden. Had my back explode in such a way that my vertebrae bone had splintered off and was pressing into my sciatic nerve. Like glass into an exposed nerve. It was undoubtably THE most painful physical experience I have had. Watched helplessly as my daughter underwent multiple surgeries in a matter of weeks because her appendix exploded in her little body, spraying poison everywhere.
In other emotionally challenging stuff this year, I have been processing the fact that my biological father doesn’t want me to know his other children much less have anything to do with me. I have found out who my mothers biological father and her half-sisters are. And we are still searching for her biological mother (she was adopted) and rest of our linage.
And to add to the year, just after I quit the booze, my hubby quit his job. A job that he had taken with big plans and goals. And then the company he was affiliated with, made some questionable decisions and, well, out of integrity hubby had to leave.
But here is the thing. I am a human AF. And this is the first time I have been a human in this body as far as I know. I didn’t come here with a book to tell me how to be in the world. And neither did anyone else. Stuff happens. It just does. I am doing my very best to make good decisions to avoid shit happening, but it still does. And no, I am not looking for reasons why this is happening, I know that shit. I am simply allowing space for all of us to give ourselves a damn break!
My mentor told me the other day that he had had an epiphany. He said something like; Imagine if all of us were just dropped in a completely unfamiliar place, without a clue how we got here or why we were here, with no guidelines as to how we were supposed to be all looking at each other with not a clue in the world. We’d all just be looking each other shrugging and saying, “do you know what is going on?” “Nah”. “Me either…not a clue”.
That is how it feels sometimes for me.
All of us walking around having no real idea what we are doing or why the events that happen happen, looking for each other to explain what is happening. And we realise that everyone who has taught us anything, was just the same as us.
You, me..them, we are all making this shit up people. Looking around, some of the folks appear to have nailed it and are just totally rocking it! But, guess what, they are human too. They have their shittiest days too. They have serious shit go down as well. We all do. It is what it means to be human. AND shit goes crazy amazing too.
So, give yourself a break right now. Have you been a human before that you know about? You are learning still. You are being bounced against fate and using fate to create your destiny. Using the cards you have been dealt to play a winning hand, or fold if you decide.
And yes, I still want a drink. I can even smell the aroma of the red…But I also want to have this experience of not drinking until 2018 which will be the longest period of time without alcohol I have ever chosen to participate in! I get to choose and right now, my commitment to this experiment wins.
Until next time.
Give yourself a break, you’re doing the best you can with what you have been given.
Oh and PS. Lots of things have gone amazing this year too. Hubby was in a well paying job with great flexibility while my daughter and I were in and out of hospital. I was reminded I have some super amazing friends. I facilitated workshops that just complete rocked my world. I have some of the most amazing clients kicking goals in the bravery department. I have witness my children become more resilient and independent because I couldn’t do all the usual stuff for them this year. I have let go of a SHIT load of stuff that doesn’t serve me. I have become more aware of my body and it’s ways. I have re-focussed on my health (long way to go in that area). I have grown closer to my hubby. I have written more than I have ever. I entered a writing competition and while I didn’t win, they specifically wrote to me and encouraged me to plug into a some specific support areas to help me strengthen my writing…. and I have strengthened my “NO” muscle. I have set healthy boundaries. I have spoken my truth. What a fucking great year when you shift the perspective right??!!