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Who would have thought that maths that makes sense??!!

I recently wrote about my anxiety in social settings when someone asks, “So Jen, what is you do?”

For years I hated this, for like years.

And even though I am fine with saying, “at the moment I am doing blah”, there has always been this part of me that really wanted to fit into a ‘normal’ box. I wanted to fit a label. I really did. And part of me, the social aspect of me, the want to fit in aspect of me, really wants a nice, title.

As I’ve explored the need for this, it really is about not owning all of the parts of me, all the parts. In a subject at school, most likely maths, although, probably not because I didn’t pay too much attention in there, or in a book I read or something somewhere I remember hearing these words and for some reason they stuck with me.

“A whole is a sum of it’s parts”.

That sounds kinda maths class-ish huh? Maybe that day my friends were away and I didn’t have anyone to flap my gums at.

A whole is a sum of it’s parts.

The journey to wholeness, to wellness is as best I have worked out so far, about embracing the ‘all’ of us. Not just the shiny, lovely, socially applicable parts of us, but the dark and moody, PMSy, sobby, imperfect parts too.

What if I embrace my attraction to shiny-object-otis as a part of my wholeness?!

What if I open up to the possibility that I love SO many things is such a strength because it makes my life rich and colourful and not ground hog day!

What if I bathe in the beauty of the experiences I am likely to open myself up to because I love new things, new ideas new adventures! I mean, what isn’t to like about that?

What if because I am ok with being a scattered, sometimes ADD kind of human and actually LIKE that about myself, it allows others to like aspects that they may have judged we wrong? That would be cool right?

Oh, and how about embracing all the awesome stuff too? We aren’t up ourselves to celebrate our strengths. Oh and on that, if I asked you, “Beauty, what are your strengths”? what would you tell me. Like straight away. Not like, “Um, well, I’ll have to have a think about it…like right now?”

If you can’t do that, guuurl, we needs to talk! I can help you sort that shizzle out!

Now, what if we, you and I, what if we can like ourselves through the dissatisfaction we are experiencing right now? Or the uncertainty? Or the “god help me I am going crazy” part?

And what if we are able to be whatever the heck we want to be? Even if people look at us like we have gone mad. Or that we are flaky. Or that we are a change-our-minds-1-billion-times-a-holic?

Clarity comes from engagement, not from thinking about it or talking about it endlessly.

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What if we agree to feel the discomfort and move on anyway! Together!

What if I am a multi-passionate creator and what if you are too?

If you are feeling scattered or not sure if you can lock yourself into a ‘box’ or ‘title’ maybe Marie T’V’s episode today will allow you to breathe a sigh of relief, just like it did me when I watched it!

I actually watched it like ages ago and watching it again I got an even deeper exhale!

The whole point to this life I have come to see, is learning to know yourself, grow yourself and like yourself.

Oh and give zero ducks about what other people think…unless they are in the same place as me, then I am keen to hear their duck!!

So, if we want to be whole beings, we gotta be ok with the parts. All the parts. Our parts. To actually like our parts. It’s a challenge, I totally get it.

There are so many things that we can get distracted by that we don’t like, don’t want. And apparently energy flows where we focus and the more energy, the more charge and the bigger it gets.

So, today, lets focus on something that we do well. Like hug our kids. Or respond to emails. Or care about our planet. Lets send some energy there and all of a sudden, the problem of being scattered doesn’t have as much charge!

Totally with you in this experience!

Be kind to yourself.

Big love. xxx

 

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I Made a Mistake Today.

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Far out. Mistakes. Far flipping out!

Put your hand up if you like making them! I mean REEEEAAALLLLY like making them??

Hmm. Not a lot of hands up!

The kids these days are high fives and celebrated for their mistakes. Why? Because – and lets say it altogether…”It means you are learning”!

Which is so easy to say to someone ELSE who has made the mistake. RIGHT?

But you. But me. But when WE make the mistakes, how quickly are we to say something like;

“Babe, you made a mistake. You are human and that is what humans do. It means you are doing something and not just thinking something. That takes courage. So well done YOU”.

Is this you? Are you super kind and supportive of yourself when you mess up?

Or are you the kind to mutter really horrible, nasty things to yourself?

Well…today…I made a mistake!

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Not a big mistake, but one that is reflective of where my head has been for the last week. A bit all over the shop!

AND so I was busy preparing all kinds of things for next year, YES NEXT YEAR and instead of saving them, I SENT THEM OUT!

Sigh

It isn’t a big deal and on any other day, it wouldn’t have mattered to me at all. I would have just gone, oh well, no biggie life happens.

But today, this morning it mattered!

I am planning this real cool workshop for next year, and I wanted it to be a surprise. And, now I unwrapped it! Talk about a spoiler. Like when you know what is wrapped up under the Christmas Tree!

Sigh

When I am well slept, well fed and energised I seem to deal with mistakes better than when I am tired after being out 4 nights last week, a big weekend and maybe or maybe not a few too many wines! I know..profound right?

Today the mean chatter was having a field day!

Sigh. Again!

That voice, that mean sound you hear when you muck up, that is a part of us ALL. All humans. Some might say it is a design fault! Doesn’t appear that other creatures have this feature!

What if I was a whale?

If a whale is swimming along the coast line and finds itself tangled in a shark net, do we scream abuse at the whale? “You idiot creature. You were swimming along minding your own business, trying to find food to stay alive and you came too close to shore because that is where the fish are and you wound up in this net here. Stupid thing. Well, you can stay there until you learn your lesson”.

So today, I spoke to myself like that little whale caught in the net.

“Oh sweet one, you have gone off track and wound yourself up. It’s ok. Let me help you untangle and send you on your way again”.

“Go gently precious”.

I cried a few cleansing tears.

I met a friend and cried some more.

And I moved on..puffy eyes and all.

So beauty, if you have made a mistake recently and haven’t yet forgiven yourself, know that this is human. But also know that you get to befriend yourself right now and speak to yourself like you speak to someone you deeply care about, who has messed up and been imperfect. Who has been human!

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You are a divine being who ACTUALLY NOTICED you made a mistake. It means you are awake. It means that you are willing to be in the world and are learning to embrace the fullness of being human!

Learning!

Here is to life long learning. Here is to the imperfectness of humans. Here is to the forgiveness of humans. Here is to loving ourselves through the process!

When we love ourselves  in our imperfectness, we are more likely to love others in theirs!

All of ourselves. All of themselves!

That my beauty is what you are here to do!

Next time you muff it or stuff it, maybe try taking a deep breath and talking to yourself just like you would to someone you deeply care about. I do it, and I do it out loud. Yes, I look like that lady!

SO

  • Have you made any mistakes that you still haven’t forgiven yourself for? 
  • Are you someone who forgives easily or are you grudge master?
  • Are you kind to yourself when you make a mistake?

Love to hear from you!

Big love

Jen

xxx

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This message is just for you!

Hello beauty!

Sometimes I just get a feeling. And when I get that feeling, I just have to follow it. If I don’t it kind of follows me around, biting at my heals until I do.

This feeling was to send you this message.

I know that you think sometimes that you are broken. That you are in desperate need of fixing. You look around and think that life is just so crap that there must be something so wrong with you. That you have created this mess. That you did something so, so wrong. That you have tried everything and nothing seems to stick.

Well, I know that feeling all too well. I used to think that there was something fundamentally wrong with me and because I believed that thought I managed to lock on to so much evidence to prove myself right.

That is what the brain does. It is designed to solve problems. And it has to make sense of things, even if they aren’t true. The body exhales when the brain makes sense of stuff. AND it keeps us stuck!

“Oh, yes, that is why my life is shit right now, I am being punished for that time I spoke to that poor shop attendant like a dick”. Exhale. Stuck!

“Oh I understand why I am in debt. I am shit at managing my money and why would I be good at it, my parents didn’t know what they were doing with it either”. Exhale. Stuck.

“Yes. My whole family hate me because go cross eyed when I see purple stripes on short arsed giraffes”. Exhale. Stuck.

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That last belief, we laugh at it right. Because it just isn’t true! But what if the other bullshit stories we are telling to ourselves…they aren’t true either??

You are human, and this is such a human experience. SUCH a human experience. I haven’t yet met a human who hasn’t made up some pretty self sabotaging stories along their way.

You are not alone here!

If you feel like you are struggling where you are, maybe a good and yummy chat with a therapist might help. Or a great friend who isn’t a fixer. Or an empowerment coach, like me.

I am constantly blown away in like a heart exploded kind of way, when I witness folks have a moment when their thinking shifts just enough to let another possibility in…

It is my life work to help light the path of the inner journey. Exploring all spaces. Thinking. Feeling. Doing. Seeing. Being. The spiritual. The physical. They soul. The mind. Oh, how I love it!

I’m currently putting together an course designed to help with that ‘stickiness-ness’ that we can sometimes feel on our life path. If you want to know more, fill in the box below so I can email you!

Stay in the game. It is worth it. You are worth it.

Speak kindly to yourself

Jen

xxx

 

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Life Gave Me What I Needed..And Not What I Expected!

I turned 40 this year, and for my birthday, my hubby gifted me 5 nights at this completely exclusive retreat nestled away in the hills of Tallebudgera, Gwinganna.

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2016 didn’t go as I had planned. In fact, the last few years haven’t gone as I had planned. I’ve had some stormy seas to navigate for sure. And the older I get I see that the wisdom of life is far greater than any wisdom that I have accumulated. If it is even wisdom.

2016 gave me the gift of physical ailments.

More than I had had before and pretty brutal ones.

So when the opportunity came for me to go and ‘heal’ and at the same time celebrate the next chapter of my life, at Gwinganna, um, I mean….blessed life right??

But truth be known, I went into Gwinganna wanting desperately to heal. To be better. To get rid of the illness completely and restore my body to it’s natural and happy space. I had high expectations. I had paid a lot of money. I had work to do in the world that was being inhibited by the lethargy. The pain. The heaviness.

I went to Gwinganna with the intention to rest. Recover. Restore. And I had the EXPECTATION that when I did that, for 5 days, all my symptoms would just go. Be gone. You know where this is headed hey?

While I was there, I forwent all the usual things that I would participate in.. All the mystical stuff like The Journey Work and Equine Therapy…mostly because I have done so much of this kind of thing in my life and instead replaced it with loads of massages, Ayurvedic treatments, Rockupuncture and nurturing. I chose all the gentle activities, where as the previous version of me would have chosen the high intensity stuff. I chose the softer more yin activities. I chose a different way.

“Yes. I’ll do all of those things because they will heal me. This place will heal me. Good. Lets get on with that”.

Some of you might know I have struggled to fall in love with yoga again after transitioning from something I love to something that became work when I began my yoga teacher training. It went from ‘ahhhh’ to ‘agggggrrrrrr’. And lots of things contributed to this, but mostly my EXPECTATION of how it would be. How it would go. How I would feel. And what it would GIVE me.

So when yoga was the yin option for one of the morning activities I thought, “good, I’ll give it a go, I know how much it helps heal. Maybe I will fall back in love with it”.

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The teacher was awaiting us. Poised. Still. Ready. All the mats were laid out. Bolsters by the side and blankets to snuggle under during Shavasana. All I had to do was be present with my body.

I stepped on to my mat and we began. I exhaled. Ahhhhh. Yes. Here we are. This is home. Bend. Breathe. Stretch. Inhale. Exhale. Ahhh. Oh yoga, I do love you and my body loves you. I am so pleased to be home. Mmmm. Yummy.

And then it happened. True to form, true to my old ways what did I do? My mind went wandering off to how I was looking forward to resuming my teaching training again. My mind ran off to all the things I had not been doing, how I had wasted all this time and how I needed to get moving on it again. And just as I exhaled, what did I do?

In a simple lunge, I did what a lot of flexible folk do. I did what I often do in my life and in that moment I saw a direct reflection of how I can do life when I am not fully aware and present. I completely over-stretched. Completely. And instead of re-adjusting, I pushed. Instead of listening I ignored. And, in that moment, I created a pain that was to haunt me for the next 5 months. Ha. A direct refection of how I can do life sometimes.

Shit.

Shit.

Bugger.

Great.

Dick!

So after the class, I did what everyone does at Gwinganna, I booked in another massage. But not a relaxation massage. No. Not a gentle massage. A remedial massage. And a deep one. Oh, the pain!

But I deserved it…right?

The other thing at Gwinganna that is challenging for some is the quiet time. Lots of quiet time. And often when us busy folk get quiet time…well, that is when our minds find the perfect opportunity to fill you in on EVERYTHING you haven’t been really paying attention to in the busy and the numb.

My crazy flat mate mind was on fire. “Jen, you came here to get fixed. To get better and now you are more broken than when you came in. All that money. All that time you could have been doing other stuff. If only you came when you were fucking healthy it would have been more worth while. Jeezus. What a waste”.

 

They kept on. Louder.

“Right”, I thought. “I have been doing this life thing long enough….you know what to do”.

So, I did what I have learnt to do and did it with reluctance and resistance. But I did it.

I retreated to my glorious room. I sat on the meditation cushion provided to all the guests and I did the thing I knew would help….but before I did, I got up off my cushion, I had to make my bed, straighten up my clothes, write a list of stuff I wanted to do when I left Gwinganna…and if we had mobile reception I would have text someone or checked Facebook or some other numbing-esk behaviour…I did all the procrastination things I could….

And then.

I sat.

Heart racing.

Breath shallow.

And I took a deep breath. And another. Reassured myself and it began.

I let my mind chatter and chatter AND chatter some more. Loud chatter. Some unintelligible. Mean. Horrible. Judgemental and harsh. I invited all of the chatter to be presented in one big foul go. I sat. Body so tight. Tears streaming down my face. The monkey mind went for it. Screeching. Yelling. Laughing. Mocking. I noticed the pain in my hip. And more mean. More bitter.

And isn’t it true, that actually, it isn’t the mean things that people say about us that hurts…really? Because isn’t it true in our silent moments we are far meaner to ourselves than anyone else could be to us?

We wouldn’t speak out loud those mean things to anyone we loved, would we? Would we? Would you spit venom at your best friend calling them all the worst things in the world? Would you?

But we do it so effortlessly to ourselves.

So I sat and I listened.

AND I ALLOWED MYSELF TO FEEL THE FULL FORCE OF IT.

To feel the disappointment. To feel the miss in expectations. To feel the judgement. To feel the hurt. The pain. To feel it. To allow it. To be with it. To hold it.

I brought in my internal nurturer to hold me as I took the hits. And I listened. And listened. And soon it sounded really sad. Not mean. Just sad. And soon, I saw the thoughts as really pained children. Sad. Neglected. Unheard. And soon, I softened. My body loosened and I let go. And I cried. Big cry. Snot flying self soothing sob.

And I felt it release.

And I could see myself as an imperfect human who had had seen that she was broken and needed fixing. But what she needed was to be heard, not judged and to be loved.

Just like we all want.

I am a recovering fixer. And when people come to me, my instinct is to fix.

And what I have come to see, is that I have been relentlessly trying to fix myself. But actually, all I needed to do was to listen to myself and to love all the dark and light aspects of myself.

And the more I do that, the less I want to fix others. Instead, I can hear them, offer some love and maybe an alternative perspective and then allow them to have their own life experience and find their own way back to themselves.

I am a recovering fixer and today, once again, I put down my tools.

I don’t need fixing. I just need to be loved. And that is my one job! Because when I do that, the love of others is effortless.

Turns out, life has a funny way of giving us what we need, not what we EXPECT we need!

Speak kindly to yourself

Big, big love

Jen

xxx

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If You are a Woman, or a Gardener or a People!

There is a nursery rhyme that goes something like…Mary, mary, how does your garden grow?? That is about all I can remember, but it is a good question.

How does your garden grow precious one?

Do you want to grow and cultivate your own garden? Lush and sweet, producing such gorgeous vibrant fruit? Do you take care of it? Or do you want to ignore your garden and spend your life commenting on the gardens of others? Do you think your garden is better than everyone else and poke fun at their developing gardens?

Poking fun at their carrot tops and their not so perfect tomatoes. Judging them and telling them that their garden needs more of this, more of that. And all the while your garden is completely neglected and dead. Or so overgrown with weeds.

I’m not entirely sure what folks think of me really, because they only tell me what I want to hear mostly. That seems to be people thing to do. Because people are generally nice. Generally kind. Generally!

People are just people-ing the best they can. Right?

I am a people who puts their life out there. Out here. Not all of it, but much of it. Much to my husbands confusion and dismay at times. Which I completely understand.

And if I wasn’t clear on my intention, then I’d not do it.

I am sure that the whispers among the many at times are not supportive are judgmental are harsh. I am sure, because people are people and people do that people stuff it seems. I only know that because I have done that stuff.

And today, I am even more clear that those who bitch arse to me, not sharing to get some perspective, not sharing to see their part in it, but just bitch arse-ing about other folks about how they live their lives….they will be doing it about me too!

And I admit, I give folks lots of stuff to bitch arse about.

This bitch arse thing. This mean to other women thing. This “she just isn’t for me” bullshit, this “gee she’s put on weight” crap, this “she has it so easy” judgement arse-hole, this “how much work has she had” stab…..all that bitch arse stuff, that….that my beauty  is the exact thing that is holding you back.

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This looking at the garden over there and picking it to shit. That is holding YOU back. Not the gardener of the lush garden! They are too busy attending to their garden to worry the stink about what may or may not be being said. No good gardener is going to take any advice from someone who has never spent a moment attending to their own gardens!

I mean, it is written in the bible for shit sake! “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours garden”!

I wonder if the BIGGEST thing holding women back is what they are saying about other women!

And the BIGGEST reason women are holding themselves back from truly shining is that they have been bitch arse about other women.

You know it right?

If I shine too bright, then all the bitch arse things I have said about other people…well they are going to say that about me. Yowch!

If you get too ‘successful’ you have deal with the smack talk coming back to you that you have dealt out over the years.

If you want to start a new project, you are waiting for people to laugh and snigger and judge you in the same way you have  done that to others.

Lets be honest.

We’ve done that.

We’ve got to get real about that.

And we’ve got to forgive ourselves for that!

Because if we don’t, we are limiting ourselves. We are dulling our lights.

So you smack talked and gossiped. Own it!

So you judged her as thinking she is too good. Put your hand up.

So you spoke about her crappy parenting decisions. You said it. Fess it.

You don’t need to go around pouring your story all over the people you have bitched about, but you do have to stop it. Not or them, but for you.

Because here is the next bit of truth you are going to love.

Whatever it is you are being a bitch about, whatever you slag on any other women, whatever mean thing you say…well beauty, that my love is really what you believe about you.

Right now, your brain will freak out and want to make me wrong. I get that. It feels shit to look at the truth when it bites. It feels far nicer to project it out there hey?

And this is part of the healing journey. A journey not everyone signs up for.

Some peoples are only interested in what other people are doing because it means they don’t have to face the truths about themselves.

Some people spend their whole lives judging the shit out of others and then are paralysed to live the life they TRULY want.

But all people are people-ing the best they can. You are too. Even when you are being mean.

But you have one shot in this body, this time around. How do you want to spend it beauty?

Bitching about the garden you envy, or asking the gardener who they made it so lush!

Being judgemental about how they created it, or lending a supportive word of encouragement and then not going and slagging off to someone else!

Maybe you will begin to notice how often you are being mean about someone else garden!

Mary, Judy, Gracey how does YOUR garden grow? Yes yours!

And if you ain’t attending to your own garden, I don’t nor does anyone want your gardening advice!

Roll your sleeves up and get in to your own dirt. Cultivate that. Water that. Fertilise that. Get weeds out of that! Get off the sidelines being a bitch and get in YOUR OWN garden!

Stop ripping yourself off from enjoying the lush fruit!

Speak kindly to yourself

Big love

Jen

xx