0

There. I said it.

 

This whole living from the heart is such a fucking painful experience. THERE. I said it.

It is. At times. For me!

And as I type that, I can already hear the law of attractions saying, “well if that is what you believe that is what you are going to get”.

I can hear all the spiritualists saying, “You are a spiritual being having a spiritual experience, so it isn’t really pain it is just a sensation”.

And right now, as I sit here with my heart so wide open, cracked so hard, I want to say, that right now…that pain…that experience you had that broke your heart. That is pain. That time you were ignored and not validated. That is pain. That time when you said that you were ok after someone judged the shit out of you. That is pain. That time when your friend told you her deepest truth and you saw her break ope..that is pain..and it fucking hurts!

But I’m not supposed to say that. That isn’t the ‘right’ thing to say. It isn’t the ‘spiritual’ thing to say. It isn’t the ‘good person’ thing to say.

This human thing is completely filled with pain. It is. If you haven’t been affected by the recent tragedy we experienced here on the Gold Coast, then you are numbed out! THERE. I said it.

But our society, it was to look away from pain. And I don’t blame you. There is so much pain in the world to actually let it fall on us would surely cripple us. We say that pain is ‘over there’ and we compare our pain to that pain. and so, we should just be grateful.

But this looking away, this trying to fix the shit out of it, we are numbing ourselves. And that, as far as I can tell is not what we are here for. Not to live like robots. In our heads.

I get to say it, because I was numbed out for most of my life.

I didn’t want to feel, because feeling is full-fucking-out! It is sometimes was out of control. It was and is sometimes so huge I don’t know if I can breathe deeply…even though I know that helps!

We are told to, “Lighten up” and “everything happens for a reason” and “now, now petal, it’ll all be ok” and “this too shall pass”. And all of that may be true. But fuck. It is the WORST thing you can say when someone is in pain!

And we do that, because we can’t be with their pain. We can’t be with the discomfort of another persons experience. We can’t love them unconditionally. Only conditionally. And that condition is that you must subscribe to the way I deal with pain, and if you don’t then there is something profoundly wrong with you. You must stop that emotional stuff. I can’t deal with it.

Fuck that!

And so, instead of feeling the pain and being open to the precious teachings, we escape to the closed off world of intellectualism. We take drugs or drink too much alcohol. We eat emotionally. We gossip the fuck out of the lives of others. We shake our heads and say, “poor them”. We calorie count and restrict food. We shop. We buy so much shit that distracts us from the real truths. We hide. We blame. So fucking busy that we don’t have time to feel sick. No, just push through. Keep pushing!

I get to say that, because if you have read anything of mine you know that when I say ‘we’ I mean ‘I’.

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Fuck that!

When you live fully from the heart, you have to feel. Like proper feel. Deep. Immense. Unfathomable to most of us. And we have to feel it over and over and over. But we don’t want to. And it isn’t logical. It isn’t a brain function! It isn’t planned. It isn’t some schedule of healing we have to stick to.

But we are afraid of pain. I get it!

Because we got hurt.

Maybe we got hurt a lot..

I did. You know you did.

Humans get hurt! And, humans hurt. But it is hurt humans who hurt and until we get real with the hurt, sit with the hurt, be with the hurt then hurt humans are going to hurt!

And when the hurt got too much me I just stopped. I stopped that feeling bullshit. I drank too much. Neglected myself. Abusive relationships. Cold. Walled up. Closed!

I used personal growth and ‘healing’ stuff, not to really find myself but to stay deeply in my head. Busy. Bathing a whole lot of experience and information so that I could ‘help’ others.

When the one who needed helping was me.

And I don’t think this breaking open business and truth telling is for everyone. I don’t. Humans have so many choices. SO many. And when life offers up the opportunity for us to feel into the fullness of who we are, it is going to mean we feel pain. It just is. We cannot avoid the fact that at every turn, there is something painful.

But we judge pain as bad. Is it? Is it really?

Someone experiencing deep pain.

And we want to look away?

We want to think that we are more evolved that pain.

And we judge.

Do all the ‘right’ things. Say all the ‘right’ things. Follow all the ‘right’ stuff.

But what if we stay with them. Be with them? Allow the pain to just be? No fixing. No judgement. No making wrong? What it?

People. Yes people…we are not fucking robots here!!

At the wise old age of 40 I have come to see that the only way through this life is to feel it….or not! And the not, well, I’m SO done with the not!

The ‘not’ is disconnected. The ‘not’ is better than. The ‘not’ is the fixer. The ‘not’ is not  the true essence of me.

I’m not suggesting you stay in the pain. Set up a fucking tent and light the fire and boil the billy. No, don’t mince the words.

I’m saying that right now, if this is a painful place for you, deeply confusing and ridiculously tough I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I feel pain too. And we can walk through this. We can.

And I get wanting to put the shield up. I get wanting to have it all together. I get wanting to hide and lock yourself away. I get it. But its time to be seen in your messy. To be seen in your imperfection. To be seen and accepted, not because you have your shit together, but because you are human! Imperfect. Flawed. And beautiful. And this…this message is for me!

Pain is pain is pain. And pain is also FREEDOM. The pushing down, the numbing of it, the pretending there isn’t such a thing..well my friends, if I am human, I will FEEL PAIN. Just is.

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And what freedom there is in that. Pain won’t kill me. The opposite is true. Pain can set me free!

Allowing pain to visit.

Acknowledging pains presence.

Accepting fully including the ugly cry and the pissed off-ness.

Acting lovingly toward our pain. Just like a wounded child who desperately needs love.

A wise teacher of mine, India Arie says it best in one of my favourite songs of all time,

“Child it’s time to break the shell. Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt. You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself. You cannot fly until you break the shell”.

Break the Shell. India Arie.

So beauties. Pain. It exists. And our acceptance of what is it our gateway to freedom. No pushing. No shoving. No perfect.

You are fucking beautiful BECAUSE you experience pain! Not because you don’t!

There I said it!

Big love

Jen

x

0

I god damn did it again. Aaaar!

“You are such a shit mum. God, you totally over-reacted and got all stubborn and mean. Yeah mean. You did. Did you even call her a little cow? Did you. What a shit mum you are. You are someone who is supposed to know better. Christ, aren’t you supposed to have this completely connected relationship where you are the the unicorn and your daughter is he magical fairy?”

Recently that was a summary of the noise that was going on in my head after an ‘exchange’ with my ridiculously tired and emotional child. That wasn’t the conversation I had with her. That was the kind of conversation I was having to myself. No, it wasn’t a conversation because that would imply that there was a two way exchange. So, not a conversation. A total fucking smackdown lecture! That is what was happening.

*insert slummed shoulders and exhale emoji*

Fuck.

Here I am again. I am sitting by and listening to the same mean arse lecture I have given myself for years. Most of my life. The topic of interest changes, but the content is pretty much the same. I am being mean to myself.

And honestly, it feels suck-arse. Really suck-arse. My shoulders feel tight. My gut feels constricted. My heart racing.

And my friends, this is…..great news!!! Really great news!

Great?

Yes, great!

What?

It is great.

Let me explain.

Years ago when I was sleepwalking through life, I would have been having these lectures going on in my head, like ALL. OF. THE. TIME.

“Oh my god, did you actually say that to her? Fuck you’re an arsehole. No one will like you. No one will want to be around you. You are a dick”.

“For god sake will you get your shit together? You can’t even compete one. single. thing.”

“You are such a fat cow”.

“You are not a good friend. A good friend would call every day. Every other day at the very least”.

“A good friend would know all about everything that is going on and it is your job to fix their problems”.

“You have no clue of what you are doing”.

And on and on and freaking on.

Exhausting. Hide away and want to cry kind of exhausting.

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So, I am no longer sleep walking through life, but yet I still lecture myself? So has anything really changed? I mean really?

All that training. All that teaching. All that coaching. All those books. All the therapy. All the chats with wise friends. Has any of that had any impact? It would seem not if I am still giving my self mean arse lectures!

And the simple answer to that is yes…and no!

The yes part is that the fundamental change that has occurred since I lifted my head from the fog of unconscious living is this.

Once upon a time I would not have even noticed I was being and arsehole to myself. I would have just carried on being an arsehole and feeling like shit. And when I feel like shit, I tend to make shit choices for myself. It would have been completely normal and a cyclical pattern.

I perceive someone ignores me and I think I am not likeable and feel not good enough so I find myself in the cupboard shovelling food fast into my face.

I feel jealous of someones success and think I am a failure, so I engaging in bitch talk with others about someone who I was jealous of.

I feel let down by a friend so I think I am not worthy so I have more than one ‘enjoyable’ wine and finishing off the bottle.

I feel embarrased that someone has discovered I made  huge mistake and think I am a failure so I get all snappy and bitchy at the hubby!

All done because I was feeling an uncomfortable feeling and didn’t want to feel it and thinking mean shit about myself and believing it!

And the feeling came because I was thinking something. And as I have come to see, the default position is to go to something mean!

BUT NOW I notice it! I am aware I am doing it. And this my friends is what it means to be conscious. To be mindful. It is just about paying attention. 

This is where I made up my own kind of practice WHEN the mean voices begin. Not if. This is part of being human. And so far, I haven’t met a human who in the TRUTH of who they are, don’t at times speak like an arsehole to themselves. That last sentence..that is the ‘no’ part of yes and no!

Humans feel stuff! Full stop. If you aren’t feeling stuff you are either not human, a sociopath or someone who has endured a lot of pain that you have shut off the feeling connection. But that is a whole other blog!

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So, this thing I am practicing more and more I think it is pretty cool and works for me so I’d love to share it with you. Because maybe it might support you when you are being an arsehole to yourself. And maybe you think it’s crap! It is the AAAR approach.

I read it like you are sliding into a warm bath and you say, Aaaar!

The mind is like anything else in our bodies. It needs to be cared for and nurtured and it needs cleansed and it needs trained.

If we want to build new pathways we have to train our minds.

Breathe in, breathe out! All the way out! Inhale…lets go!

It starts with Awareness. Paying attention to what is happening in the moment. What are you thinking? Is it kind? Is it mean? Is just some drunk arse blither?

Notice what you are feeling right in that moment.

Notice what that does to your body. Does it feel tight? Is there a tightness in your stomach. What is your body feeling?

Allow yourself to have the feeling in response to a thought. Not with judgement. Not trying to chase it away. Just feeling it. Like really allowing it and TELLING THE TRUTH about the feeling. “I feel hurt”. “I feel guilty”. “I feel like a fraud”. “I feel like I’m not appreciated”. I love Brene Browns “Shitty first draft” approach when we feel a feeling. You just write out how you REALLY feel, no censorship. None. So that if someone was to read it they might want to take you to the cop-shop to keep the streets safe. Then, destroy the writing.

Administer self love: Speak to yourself like you would speak to someone you love deeply. You might exhale and say something like, “Oh sweet human, here we are again. You are learning. You are growing and this is part of the process. You’re doing ok! Give yourself a break”! Or, “you’ve been working hard, doing your best and you are tired. Maybe take a rest. Ask for some support”.

So, you’re aware you are being an arsehole, you stop to feel what it feels like in your body and allow yourself to feel it and a.

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The next part is to take Action from a place of awareness. You get to choose. You get to choose to do exactly what you were going to do, but you do it with awareness and kindness and from an empowered place rather than a victim and helpless place.

You still might choose to stand int he cupboard and stuff your face. You still might have that bottle of wine. You still might. But if you do, you do it from a place of awareness. Not of sleepiness.

But you might also go a speak to those folks who may have been hit with the flying debris of your unprocessed feeling.

The final stage is Reflection. At the end of the day, or on the loo, or anywhere really, you spend some time reflecting on your self awareness training. You might want to write it out. In a blog. Anonymous or right up front. Your life and the experiences you have had mean something. Not just to you and your experience but to the lives of others.

And this is my reflection. It is turing something that is painful and human into a service. It is the giving back. It pays homage to the experience. It means that it is a teachable experience. It means that we get to see that we are all in this together. All finding our own way. And as we do, we help other people find their own too!

Can you and me agree that we are going to be kind to ourselves. Not because we are perfect because we never will be, but because we are human. And god knows us humans need some serious kindness right now!

Be kind to yourself beauty! Because when you do, the world remembers how to be kind too!

Big love

Jen

xxx

 

 

0

It is official and I just don’t know how much time I have left!!

So my friends. It is official. I AM DYING.

It has been confirmed. And I am not sure how much time I have left, all I know is I am dying.

It is a sad and yet very real truth.

So before I say good bye, I have to say this.

My friend, YOU ARE DYING TOO!

Now before you get all, ‘dar, of course we are deush bag, you scared me there I thought you were ACTUALLY dying!!!” I just want to consider this TRUTH that we all KNOW but kinda don’t actually want to consider.

Deeply consider.

Immediately the brain will go into survival mode and us in a state of alert.

“Holy shit, I am dying. Shit. What do I do? What have I done with my life? Shit. How do I stop this from happening?”

So, lets just take a breath…no, I am serious, you and me, take a breath now! Inhale deeply into your belly and exhale all the old air out. And, if you are feeling really scared that you are dying, maybe you take another one!

I’m not minimising the absolute pain it causes when we lose someone we love deeply. I am not minimising the distress real painful death causes.

But beauty, here is the truth.

If you are not living a vibrant and expansive and growth-kind-of-life, you may as well have a terminal illness.

In my 20’s I learnt the biggest learning about life…and death. I had taken a job doing 12 hour night shifts in an oncology unit. These people were proper dying. Chemotherapy kind of dying. Bone cancer kind of dying. Brain tumour kind of dying.

I was blessed to work nights in that unit, because it was at night I could hear the sobbing. It was at night I had the time to sit with these folks. It was at night the regrets surfaced. It was at night I got schooled on life.

3 patients have stayed with me since that time on the oncology unit. I want share one of those life teachers lessons and pay homage to a woman who would never have known how much she would influence my life.

Mary. A woman in her late 60’s who had spent her entire life committed to running a corporate business. She was a passionate woman and made the decision in her 30’s to commit to her job and forgo the family life. The mainstream life. She told me of all her  glorious travels. She told me of the money she had made. The safety of her role in the company she ran for over 25 years. The friends she had met.

I was captivated and loved listening to her.

We both looked forward to our chats and the reminiscing.

Mary spoke so positively about her decision to not have a family and to commit her energy to her job. I admired that. At that time I wan’t sure how I felt about having a family. I thought I’d just have dogs really. Not kids (side not, I have no dog and 3 kids).

Then one night, when I was doing my rounds, I found Mary sobbing. Proper ugly cry, snot flinging sobbing. My heart. Oh my heart. I can still remember.

When she finally caught her breath, we talked. And she shared honestly. Deeply honestly with me. And I can still remember like it was last night I was with her. I still have th journal entry about it!

She said, “I married my job. I chose that. And it is not that makes me sad. What makes me sad is that I didn’t LOVE my life. I never questioned if that is what my heart really wanted. Truth be known I was too afraid. And now, as I lay in this bed dying, I see that I have no family, no friends and the folks that I used to work with, well they are still working. Jenny, I am dying and I don’t think I mattered to anyone. Don’t ever follow anything other than your heart and create a life you love”.

Ugh……still gets me!!

You and I came here, this one time, in this unique form in this unique experience. Not ten years ago, not 120 years ago (welllll, maybe you are the oldest person alive reading this..if you are “hi”, how honoured am I?”

You came here, in this unique form, with all your unique gifts, this time around.

Consider that.

Don’t you think that is fucking miraculous? FUCKING miraculous.

And my beauty, how is it that you are spending your life right now?

Watching cat video’s and being pissed off in your job and bitching and moaning about grumpy people you heard talking about how many grumpy they are in the world?

I mean, really? Is this how we want to treat our one precious life.

Are you spending it all up in other peoples business, telling them what they ‘should’ be doing and you aren’t actually doing what you know you ‘should’ be doing in your own life?

Are you gossiping and poo poo-ing folks behind their backs?

Steven Pressfield in his book, “The War of Art” talks about this really, real thing called ‘resistance’ which in simplest terms is about us feeling this internal push back when we want to follow this ‘inner calling’ thing.

It’ll be the parent who suddenly says they desperately need your help (when they have been refusing it for years), just when you are about to step into a new creative direction.

It’ll be the school fees at the private school you are busting to pay for for your child so they might have a ‘better life than yours’..poor kid is going to carry that burden (don’t worry…they need something to go to therapy for”.

Then the story we make up is, “oh, see I am not meant to do that, the universe obviously doesn’t want that to happen”. Is it the universe or is it YOU?

Sweet beauty.

You want to quit just like that?

Well of course you do. You are terrified of what will happen if you actually follow that calling thing.

You are afraid that you will look like a dick if it doesn’t ‘quite work out’.

You are afraid that there will be folks saying, “I told you so, you should have just stayed in that suck-arse-life-taking-piece-of-shit-job where you feel like your life is being completely vampired”!

You are afraid that all that thinking, dreaming and plotting may not turn out just like you wanted it too.

You are afraid that you will lose a shit load of money and then feel like a funk-arse failure.

You are afraid that people will be like, “oh but all of that is already done. I mean, do we really need another book/candle/pen/dance/talk/piece of food in the world (insert your thing)?

You are afraid that no one will vibe with your stuff and be like, “Oh well that was a waste of time and money wasn’t it?”

You are afraid that you will be criticised.

You are afraid folks will think you are ‘too good for yourself’ and turn their nose up at you and keep their distance like you are losing your skin and bleeding everywhere.

You are…AFRAID.

And I get it. I SO get it. I get is beyond getting it. I do.

I am afraid too.

No, really I am.

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I am afraid that I am not going to have time in my life to create everything I want to create.

I am afraid that I will be on my own on this creative adventure.

I am afraid that people will think I know all the fucking answers to all the pain and problems in the world.

I am afraid that I am not enough. That I haven’t done enough. That I am not good enough.

I am afraid that all the money I have invested in training, and development and learning and everything is not going to produce what I want and will be a waste of money.

Yes, I am afraid.

I am.

I am afraid AND I am doing it anyway. It isn’t completely clear, it isn’t really defined. But I follow the calls. The next call. And the next.

Not because it is perfect (um, not even close to it). Not because I know exactly what I am doing but because the risk of NOT doing it FAR too great for me NOT to!

I don’t want to spend this one precious life waiting. Waiting until I feel enough. Waiting for the ‘right’ time. Waiting until someone gives me permission to follow the calling that just wont stop.

The calling is not a ‘thing’ or a job title or a particular event.

It is a calling to show up in my life.

It is a calling to do more of that stuff that just makes time pass effortlessly.

It is a calling to notice the things that feel constrictive in my body and notice the things that feel expansive.

It is a calling to create a life instead of complain about a life.

It is a calling to be curious and open and to never really ‘know’ all the answers.

It is a calling to serve.

It is calling to be fucking kind to myself, to honour myself and try stuff. And fail. And learn. And grow. And try.

It is a calling that will not quit.

AND IT IS A CALLING TO SHARE WHAT I LEARN ALONG THE WAY!

This, where I sit right now, typing to the one person (that is you) that is reading this is my calling!

To share my life adventure so that you might be reminded that you are not alone. That I too am afraid. AND that we can still do it anyway!!

To remind you of your strength in your uniqueness. And your strength in your sameness. You are strong. You ‘know’ you can do this thing, you are just afraid.

To remind you that each house in the world has a table in it, but it ins’t the SAME table, made by the SAME person. NO, there are tables made all over the place for all kinds of settings, tastes, colours, shapes. I mean…come on!

SO if you are afraid that it has already been done, it hasn’t been done your way.

If you afraid that it is going to cost you too much, start by sussing it with your friends. Talk to a trusted friend. Not a blow smoke up your arse friend, and not a friend that is a scared as you, but a friend that will give it to you straight. AND love you deeply.

Beauty, I am dying. And, when I get to the end and look back, I want to know that I have loved. I want to know that I gave it a red hot crack at creating a life that I am proud of. That I showed my kids what it is to not just talk about my dreams, but let my gifts unfold into reality. That I was SUPER kind to myself through the process.

So, can we hold each other accountable, right now? Can we commit to quit the bitching about our spouses, our friends, our bosses, and other bitch-worthy shit?

AND instead, turn our attention in and ask, “what kind of person do I want to be in this world and what do I want to create?”.

Life is precious. Life is oh so short. You just don’t know how much time you have left!

Oh and Mary, if you can hear me on the other side, know that you mattered to me more than we will ever really know!

Sending you big, big love

Jen

xxx

 

 

 

4

You know this feeling…..then it completely goes to sh*t?

Ever have those moments/ days/ weeks/ months when you are like, feeling super awesome about the direction in your life? You feel like you are in complete flow, synchronicity and purpose? You feel confident. Validated. Kicking goals?

AND THEN in a single moment, you feel like absolute shit-arse-bullshit-crap?

No? Well, let me tell you what it is like for me.

IT IS SUCK ARSE!

REALLY sucks arse. In SO many ways.

Recently I have been really following my heart in the direction I feel completely lead. Tapping into my gifts and really connecting with them. I am getting more and more clear about what it is I am creating and although I am not sure the EXACT image of what that is, it is unfolding and I am following it.

And then today, I applied the brakes SO hard that I got whiplash and a wedgie. Right up my crack.

So what the furk?

Well, I can tell you what the furk. I’ve been doing this work for long enough to know what the furk.

Human stuff. That’s what this is.

Human doubt. Human comparison. Human not good enough. Human bullshit.

But if it is true that we are ‘spiritual being having a human experience’ (and I am still not sure what the furk that actually means), but if we are, then this is what is true.

We are are held in the womb of our mumma for 9 months and the only thing that we need to do is BE. ALL else is taken care of. ALL of it. This little ball of spiritual energy is completely whole.

Then we pop out into the world and we are exposed to SO much stuff. And through all of it, we are learning and growing.

We are human, so we feel stuff. When our mum doesn’t come pick us up when we cry, we feel stuff. When our dad looks away from us when we are seeking connection. We feel stuff. When the pram falls forward and we fall out, we feel stuff.

That is the human part.

The spiritual part is, “hell yeah, what a ride this is”. The spiritual part is curious. It is open to new adventures. It is non judgemental. It is universal. It is peace.

The human part has forgotten about this and so it is constantly in survival mode without trust and without common sense (well mine anyway).

For ten years I have been journeying back to the spiritual aspect of me. And it has required a LOT of truth telling, A LOT of discomfort, A LOT of learning, A LOT of clearing.

I am still journeying, I am still learning and then thing that I know FOR SURE is that this journey is NOT a linear process. It is not just a one straight line deal where we walk through the swamp shit and then we are free and clean.

No, it is circular. Like life. Birth, life death, birth, life, death.

So, as a human, it makes sense that today, I fell flat on my arse. I fell hard and I jolted my heart. My brain. My butt.

AND thank FUCK!

Since then, I have had to draw on the most massive self compassion aspect I could muster. I have had to practice all that stuff I preach to other folks in my ‘life sermons’.

I have had to speak to myself like I would to my most valued friend. I have had to both listen to and silence all the shitty room mates that have been yelling at me all afternoon.

And I have had to come home to me. by overcoming all those shitty-ares-bullshit thoughts I was having about myself. I had to hear them. I had to feel them. It fuck it felt shit I have gotta say!

So, I write this tonight as a part of my human experience. To let you know that if you have been feeling like you can’t do that next thing for you because you feel like that you are not good enough, that you haven’t got enough experience, that you don’t have anything to offer, I want to tell you right now, THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.

I tell you that, because that is what I tell myself.

So *insert YOUR name*, you ARE worthy. Your experience DOES matter. Not only does it matter but it is WHY you are here on this planet at this time! YOU have something unique and beautiful to offer the world and it ISN’T a PhD, it isn’t a clothes size, it isn’t a think out there, it is your unique experience!

Ugh. When I re-read this and put my name in, I cried.

Can you and I, right here, right now commit to being kinder to ourselves?

To speaking to ourselves like we would speak to someone we love so, so much?

CAN WE?

The love that we would outpour on others that we love, is NECESSARY for us. Always, but especially when we are having a spiritual wedgie. Needed. Like air, like water!

*sigh*

Yes! Lets come home to kindness.

You with me?

That is all beauties.

Yours in vulnerable outpouring.

Annnnnnd exhale.

Fuck yeah…I am back! Flow is restored!

Inhale!

Big love

Jen

xxx

PS. I never proof read my writing, so if there are a whole lot of shitty mistakes, I know you won’t judge me, because I am an imperfect human. My heart writes and I follow!

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2

I love animals and humans..but not this kind..

At some point, we are invited to lift our heads up from the day to day grind and have a look around. Sometimes forwards, sometimes backwards. For some of us, we do this A LOT.

Most of us when we do this look back and reflect, it isn’t a time where we pat ourselves on the back and say, ‘well done hun, you rocked that’. It is far more natural to look back and see all the things we didn’t do.

Right? Or is it just me?

Most of us when we look forward, it isn’t a time of excitement and creation where we say to ourselves, “far out beauty, you have an amazing path unfolding”, instead we freak out and suffer from the ‘not enough BS’. We worry that we are not going to have enough. Enough money, enough time, enough energy, enough clothes that look nice, enough support…yep, the not enough BS.

Right? Or is it just me?

What is up with that?

Bitchy. Mean. Negative.

The short answer..those little monkeys in the mind. Bouncing from here to there, making a WHOLE lot of noise? Or as they are in my head, the crazy room mates…chattering away incessantly!!

Head talk. Have listened to that shizzle?

If you haven’t have a tune in throughout the day and see what is cranking in there.

How much of it is kind? “You’re doing awesome today sweet one”

How much of it is cheerleading? “That creative idea you have is just awesome”.

How much?

If you left a little untrained puppy unattended in your house, would it just do what it wants? Would it just pee where it wants? Would it run a muck? Rip shit up? Poo all over the place? Just do what it wants when it wants?

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Well, that is what an untrained mind looks like.

Left unchecked it goes nuts.

Making a mess all over the place.

Oh and before you go taking BS about yourself, this is HUMAN. Humans feel stuff. They think stuff. They are beautiful, complex, creative creatures. And they can be really mean to themselves. I mean REALLY!

Humans do this shit. We are hardwired for it and not many of us have been shown how to deal with the out of control entities in our heads.

Here is 3 ways to start the training that I use.

First

Inhale. Exhale. Notice the mind and and all the chatter it barrels on about. Notice how much of it is kind. Notice how much is mean bitch. Sheesh. Notice. Breathe.

Write down the bitchy and poo-poo stuff that you hear the most. The noisy creature inside your head that keeps up with the screeching, “I’m never going to be as good as them”. “I’m so fat”. “I’m stuck in this shitty situation forever”. “I can’t seem to get ahead”. “I’m shit”. After that, ask a really deep and profound meditative question….IS THAT BITCH-FEST CONTENT 100% TRUE? No really, this is a mediation. It isn’t a ‘well yes, it is true!’. It is a slow and inward exploration.

Second

All that noise makes us FEEL something. SO we have to FEEL that stuff. This is where so many of us get in a pain loop, a suffering loop. We don’t feel stuff!

For the most part of my life my emotional vocabulary was pretty limited. Sad. Angry. Mad. Meh. That was about it. In the last few years, I have learnt a new language. I have learnt “I feel disappointed”. “I feel guilty”. “I feel pissed off”. “I feel lonely”. “I feel overwhelmed”. “I feel stuck”.

Maybe you have noticed that there are some friends you have that can hold space without judgement for how you feel and when you are brave and share, you come away feel lighter, better, more peaceful. Acknowledge how you really feel (without blaming others for how they ‘made’ you feel…they don’t have that power) is absolute KEY!

Third

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat and repeat – “I am doing the fucking best I can and I aim for progress not perfection”.  Inhale. Exhale. Release.

Or whatever the kindest thing you can muster up. Write it down and say that sweet shizzle repeatedly. It will feel like bullshit at first, and you may feel disheartened. Like training a puppy. It takes commitment and dedication and love. Lots of love. A lot of folks don’t commit to it and wonder why the puppy is a shit or the monkey is destroying all the peace. And if you don’t, that is cool, but it seems when I do this, it does back around anyway!

What I don’t change, stays the same. But you know in your soul that is true right?

3 little steps to train that reckless puppy in your mind. 3 steps to settle the monkey by giving it something to do. 3 steps to silencing the crazy room mates.

You going to try?

Good. You’re worth it!

Don’t want to do it alone. That’s fine. You know where I am.

Big love

Jen

xx

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awww right???

May you be well. May you be in peace. May you follow your heart.

3

I wrote this when I was 17.

I have been doing some internal cleansing and so I thought I’d do some more environmental cleansing.

I started to adventure through my old stuff that I had kept from school. Reports. Feedback.  Cards. Essays.

I loved the process.

I did however, uncover this piece that I wrote in grade 11 English. I got an A. Must have been why I kept it.

Anyway, when I read it it had mixed feelings.

I am pretty open about my tumultuous relationship with food. When I wrote this, I was about a year into my eating disorder. Re-reading it I felt… Sad. Uncomfortable. Proud. Healing.

Love for you to feel into it and tell me what you feel from my 17 year old self.

This is what I wrote:

“No, no you wicked thing. KEEP AWAY”.

I woke suddenly to find myself laying in a pool of sweat. A recurring nightmare had forced itself into my subconscious again. It was chocolate cake! Not just any chocolate cake though. It would chase me around my bedroom in an attempt to fasten itself to my thighs. I would wake only seconds before the horrible act was completed.

Thinking back now I wonder if it was my sweat I found myself laying in or the effects of my saliva glands working over time. It wasn’t the first time my dreams of devilish food almost brought me to the brink of sanity but I decided then and there that it was to be my last.

We all feel pressure to be thin and at the same time like to have our cake and eat it – all – and still wind up with a flat stomach. At night I find myself wishing on the first star, “First star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might, the the the dream I wish tonight….I wish….I wish….I wish I could eat like Roseanne and look like Elle.” After all what could be more tantalising?? Right??

Since the food industry began it has concerned itself with developing foods which can supply enough nutrients to ensure a balance intake. This new generation is doing he reverse. Now scientists are working on making it possible to have out (fake) cake and eat it too. Call it Monopoly food: It passes go but doesn’t collect 200 kilo’s.

Well then, where the hell did all this social pressure come from?

Meandering through a local supermarket you’ll be literally reeling in the isles from the array of lo-fat, no-fat, low-kilojoule, light options for the greedy shopper. Seduced by the prospect of losing weight, consumers are loading their trollies up with all the tasteless garbage. Thus, it must be the marketers who compel us to be rake thin? Right?

This is one theory, but I mustn’t forget the role models society has projected – waif thin model we feel pressured to look like. It happens so often. Flicking through a magazine, page after page you are swamped with the blond beanpoles with cellulite free thighs, abnormally flat stomachs and bums that don’t hang out the sides of their swim suits.

Then it happens.

You suddenly strike a page with a fat woman plastered across it, clutching and ice-cream. The story headlines, “What men think of fat women – you’ll be surprised”.

The columns are full of how men like the ‘softness’ of a woman’s body – not being cut when they go to hug us. How men find women we all call “fat” as voluptuous and that the squish we women hate are the curves me love. Oh heck, lets have that tim-tam.

Now you feel that you can take on the world.

Don’t be too sure! I turn one little page and “wham”, I am slapped straight in the face with a tanned hip-less beauty. Quick turn the page. “whack” and again. “smash” and again. STOPPPP!

Okay, you’re going to turn the page this time and not feel the pain. Done! No raving beauties. Oh no, it’s a five week weight loss plan – no more, please, more torture, enough is enough!

Burn the stupid thing!

Misery stricken, I reach for that time tam. Someone enters the room. Automatically I recite the words, “the book said I could” and then I burst into tears.

Again I ask. Who’s fault is this? Could it be the opposite sex? Why not, we make them take the wrap for wars, riots, political oppression and leaving the toilet seat up. I suppose we can blame the desire to be thin on their expectations of us women, but I feel it’s much deeper than that. I feel that it is as much as I hate to admit it…the women!!

The bitchiest things said about a woman’s body shape are said by other women. Seriously now, we have all heard the things women say…enough to peel nail polish. Come on girls, this just isn’t right.

We appear to thrive on porky pictures we wee of celebrities. Picture this.

You come home from that perfect holiday and wait for your snap shots to be developed. It’s devastating. The perfect swim suit looks a LOT less cute with half your butt hanging out. And who is that face with all those chins anyway? All yours? Now imagine of these photos were splashed across the front page of a magazine. Oh wo-man. The shame!

Now it isn’t often that men come across pictures such as these in their magazines – simply because they couldn’t care less. And why would they? It’s women who gasp and snigger at these less-than-perfect snap shots.

For some strange reason, it comforts women to see other women, especially fat celebrity women. Us run of the mill type people complain about the social pressure to be thin, but take a look at these actors. Their whole life revolves around the way people perceive them – it just proves that the fat actors don’t get he work. Sure we can say Bette Midler is a terrific actor, but lets face it, who would be more likely to take the limelight? Her or Sharon Stone? Right?

Maybe it is time to stop blaming everyone else for our problems – it’s time to take a look at ourselves. All of ourselves. All of those cream-filled biscuits, sugar filled lollies and chocolate dipped ice-cream that have accumulated over the years. Lets look at why the blinking heck we need them – because if we insist on filling our bodies consistently with these empty calories we sure as hell wont end up looking like a prima ballerina.

What it all come down to is if you like yourself – all the lumpy, bumpy bits, then society , men, other women and whatever reasons for living the way we are, shouldn’t be an issue. Isn’t that what life is about? Being happy?

Growing up in a country town, I was not subjected to the social pressures applied in the big smoke. I actually got away with wearing pink shorts with red socks – a fashion nightmare. The women seemed to have nothing better to do than eat and never did I wonder why half of them couldn’t hide behind a bus. I say half because the other half exercised regularly – regularly rounding up cattle, on foot.

Most women have some sort of difficulty with food. The way women think aout themselves is related to external appearance. For a man, his job, his car, his shoe size are all important things about him, but looks define women. We have been conditioned to find overweight people unattractive and we tend to attach words like greedy and over-indulgent to them. But some indulgences seem to be allowed while others aren’t. The guy from the footy club who drinks 12 schooners of beer is not considered greedy in the same way a woman who eats a packet of biscuits in an evening is. It is so much easier for the women to be considered excessive.

Surely we have advanced enough by now to stop thinking about food and eating in the same old way, and we start looking at how we can break down such restrictive stereotypes. After all, being fat isn’t a sin! God told me so…now that is another story!

“Hey marge…want to help me finish off that family sized block of chocolate?”

Life goes on!