This whole living from the heart is such a fucking painful experience. THERE. I said it.
It is. At times. For me!
And as I type that, I can already hear the law of attractions saying, “well if that is what you believe that is what you are going to get”.
I can hear all the spiritualists saying, “You are a spiritual being having a spiritual experience, so it isn’t really pain it is just a sensation”.
And right now, as I sit here with my heart so wide open, cracked so hard, I want to say, that right now…that pain…that experience you had that broke your heart. That is pain. That time you were ignored and not validated. That is pain. That time when you said that you were ok after someone judged the shit out of you. That is pain. That time when your friend told you her deepest truth and you saw her break ope..that is pain..and it fucking hurts!
But I’m not supposed to say that. That isn’t the ‘right’ thing to say. It isn’t the ‘spiritual’ thing to say. It isn’t the ‘good person’ thing to say.
This human thing is completely filled with pain. It is. If you haven’t been affected by the recent tragedy we experienced here on the Gold Coast, then you are numbed out! THERE. I said it.
But our society, it was to look away from pain. And I don’t blame you. There is so much pain in the world to actually let it fall on us would surely cripple us. We say that pain is ‘over there’ and we compare our pain to that pain. and so, we should just be grateful.
But this looking away, this trying to fix the shit out of it, we are numbing ourselves. And that, as far as I can tell is not what we are here for. Not to live like robots. In our heads.
I get to say it, because I was numbed out for most of my life.
I didn’t want to feel, because feeling is full-fucking-out! It is sometimes was out of control. It was and is sometimes so huge I don’t know if I can breathe deeply…even though I know that helps!
We are told to, “Lighten up” and “everything happens for a reason” and “now, now petal, it’ll all be ok” and “this too shall pass”. And all of that may be true. But fuck. It is the WORST thing you can say when someone is in pain!
And we do that, because we can’t be with their pain. We can’t be with the discomfort of another persons experience. We can’t love them unconditionally. Only conditionally. And that condition is that you must subscribe to the way I deal with pain, and if you don’t then there is something profoundly wrong with you. You must stop that emotional stuff. I can’t deal with it.
And so, instead of feeling the pain and being open to the precious teachings, we escape to the closed off world of intellectualism. We take drugs or drink too much alcohol. We eat emotionally. We gossip the fuck out of the lives of others. We shake our heads and say, “poor them”. We calorie count and restrict food. We shop. We buy so much shit that distracts us from the real truths. We hide. We blame. So fucking busy that we don’t have time to feel sick. No, just push through. Keep pushing!
I get to say that, because if you have read anything of mine you know that when I say ‘we’ I mean ‘I’.
When you live fully from the heart, you have to feel. Like proper feel. Deep. Immense. Unfathomable to most of us. And we have to feel it over and over and over. But we don’t want to. And it isn’t logical. It isn’t a brain function! It isn’t planned. It isn’t some schedule of healing we have to stick to.
But we are afraid of pain. I get it!
Because we got hurt.
Maybe we got hurt a lot..
I did. You know you did.
Humans get hurt! And, humans hurt. But it is hurt humans who hurt and until we get real with the hurt, sit with the hurt, be with the hurt then hurt humans are going to hurt!
And when the hurt got too much me I just stopped. I stopped that feeling bullshit. I drank too much. Neglected myself. Abusive relationships. Cold. Walled up. Closed!
I used personal growth and ‘healing’ stuff, not to really find myself but to stay deeply in my head. Busy. Bathing a whole lot of experience and information so that I could ‘help’ others.
When the one who needed helping was me.
And I don’t think this breaking open business and truth telling is for everyone. I don’t. Humans have so many choices. SO many. And when life offers up the opportunity for us to feel into the fullness of who we are, it is going to mean we feel pain. It just is. We cannot avoid the fact that at every turn, there is something painful.
But we judge pain as bad. Is it? Is it really?
Someone experiencing deep pain.
And we want to look away?
We want to think that we are more evolved that pain.
And we judge.
Do all the ‘right’ things. Say all the ‘right’ things. Follow all the ‘right’ stuff.
But what if we stay with them. Be with them? Allow the pain to just be? No fixing. No judgement. No making wrong? What it?
People. Yes people…we are not fucking robots here!!
At the wise old age of 40 I have come to see that the only way through this life is to feel it….or not! And the not, well, I’m SO done with the not!
The ‘not’ is disconnected. The ‘not’ is better than. The ‘not’ is the fixer. The ‘not’ is not the true essence of me.
I’m not suggesting you stay in the pain. Set up a fucking tent and light the fire and boil the billy. No, don’t mince the words.
I’m saying that right now, if this is a painful place for you, deeply confusing and ridiculously tough I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I feel pain too. And we can walk through this. We can.
And I get wanting to put the shield up. I get wanting to have it all together. I get wanting to hide and lock yourself away. I get it. But its time to be seen in your messy. To be seen in your imperfection. To be seen and accepted, not because you have your shit together, but because you are human! Imperfect. Flawed. And beautiful. And this…this message is for me!
Pain is pain is pain. And pain is also FREEDOM. The pushing down, the numbing of it, the pretending there isn’t such a thing..well my friends, if I am human, I will FEEL PAIN. Just is.
And what freedom there is in that. Pain won’t kill me. The opposite is true. Pain can set me free!
Allowing pain to visit.
Acknowledging pains presence.
Accepting fully including the ugly cry and the pissed off-ness.
Acting lovingly toward our pain. Just like a wounded child who desperately needs love.
A wise teacher of mine, India Arie says it best in one of my favourite songs of all time,
“Child it’s time to break the shell. Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt. You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself. You cannot fly until you break the shell”.
So beauties. Pain. It exists. And our acceptance of what is it our gateway to freedom. No pushing. No shoving. No perfect.
You are fucking beautiful BECAUSE you experience pain! Not because you don’t!
There I said it!