So I posted a wee while ago about this self awareness thing I had. If you don’t remember, it was the acknowledgement that I am a SUPER STAR starter and a, well…improving finisher!!
At the time of the vlog I was about to start something new. But at the time, it actually didn’t feel that new.
For most of my life..since I was about 9, I have had an acute awareness of my physical faults.
No one ever called me names about my physicality (to my face), but I had this ‘feeling’.
When I was 9, I joined the local swim squad. I loved the training. I loved chasing the black line at the bottom of the pool seeking to better my time, each time. I was swimming side by side with the Hetherington’s. One of the towns ‘athletic’ family. Oh to be as fast as them!
I started in the beginners squad, but with my love of that line, I soon moved up into intermediate. And in that same year, up to the ‘top’ squad.
I received a trophy for best new comer (there were only 3 of us to put it in perspective) and received another trophy for ‘most improved’ that year.
I was pretty chuffed.
The next year, I continued to improve. I even started beating the Hetherington’s. I was going great guns.
I was sent off to the Riverina Regional Swim meet. It was cool. But I was way out of my depth (Oh yes..a pun…not intended).
The girls were taller, faster, and actually more confident. I could just feel it. And the whole time, the whole time I remember feeling so overwhelmed by what I looked like.
These girls had been swimming since they were young whippets and were used to having all their gear off walking around all those people.
They had ‘speedo’ togs. We couldn’t afford speedo’s, so I had the “fossy’s” brand (Best and Less equivalent) and I felt like I was walking around with neon lights draped around me.
They looked like confidence personified.
I was from a small country town. There were maybe 20 of us that trained…and I kinda felt ok with them.
All of a sudden, this girl from the country felt like she didn’t belong there. In more than her swimming capabilities.
In that moment, at that swim meet, I changed.
It was the first time I remember feeling like I didn’t belong. That I wasn’t good enough to be there. And that I was fat.
Soon after I gave the swimming up. Hashtag the true origin of my inability to complete….
Looking back at photos, I was most definitely a solid kid….but I was so much more and I let myself define myself as less than based on my appearance.
This started a life long war.
A war with myself. With my body. And we know that in war, there is no peace.
When I got sick this year, I made a pact.
I made a pact with myself to drop the weapons, it was time to make peace….at any cost.
I was sick. No energy. I just couldn’t hold up the sword anymore.
It was going to have to be more than ‘fixing’ the outer shell…but instead to heal the very wound that caused me to draw my first weapon. A weapon that should have been directed to a world of shit standards and brainwashing….but instead, I cast it inward.
I dropped the weapon and I started something new.
A quest to fall in love with my body and heal the aspects that had been hurt along the way.
A quest to forgive myself for all the hurtful things I had inflicted on it along the way.
A quest for peace.
I am still on that quest and I am being supported beautifully through it.
I am half way through a program that I can say is changing me from the inside out.
The mediations, the reflections and yes, the food.
So, I know that I was worried about finishing this adventure too soon. Inner chatter is loud at times, but with the weapons down, there is just so much more love to bring to the scared aspects of myself.
Here’s to being well. Here is to re-connecting with the deep well of love within. Here is to valuing the vehicle that houses the soul.
Here is to no wine to take the edges off. The edges make me raw and real.
Here is to no sugar to artificially lift me. I’d rather be naturally down and rest than pretend to be what I’m not.
Here is to no gluten that slows my digestion and inflames my cells. I’d rather be cleansed than clogged..and who wants to be swollen?
Here is to more whole food so I am nourished and not hungry.
Here is to no restriction in calories…because that shit fucks with your head.
Here is to a supportive community that cheers when you kick a goal and hugs when you fuck up…because that is what humans sometimes do.
Here is to no bullshit diet scam bullshit money making supplement bullshit.
Just real love. Real food. Real connections. Just real.
Here is to more real.
Biggest of big loves!