*language warning…I use words like fuck and shit*
My day started in a way that it hasn’t started in a while.
I know some of you will roll you eyes at this next part because you are probably sick of hearing about it, but I’m saying it anyway (and actually, eye rolling is good for our eyes…so do it anyway).
The last year has been a bit of beat up on my body with Ross River Fever, Polyscystic Ovarian Syndrome, nodes on my Thyroid and my adrenals were shot. Yay me. Yay my body…(now I am eye rolling).
The first half of the year left me SO exhausted, that the mornings were really rough. REALLY rough. In fact, a lot of the days was really rough. I had to choose gentle in almost every moment.
As I have started to feel better with appropriate support from all angles (and angels too if they exist), my creative mind has been more active, I have had more energy, my sense of humour has been in play, my ability to support folks in my work has improved and well, I have felt better.
Today though, after a big weekend of partying with my soul-peeps, fun with the fam some grown up adult-ing, I was pretty flat.
I felt tired, agitated and a bit off course.
Then, before I knew it, my mind was hijacked by a bunch of unsupportive neurotic house mates who piped up and started chattering away in my head and then, before I knew it I felt like I didn’t know what I wanted to do next. Like everything I had been working toward, I wanted to chuck out.
Then, in the next moment I had this great desire to chuck EVERYTHING out. All my clothes. The plants in our garden. All our food. Books. Furniture. Cushions (you know things are real when I consider chucking cushions out).
I just felt like I wanted to start over. All of it.
Do you ever feel like that?
You just want to start again. That everything you have accumulated up until this point, you want to chuck out and start again?
You (pssst. secret in-tell… whenever I write ‘you’, I actually really mean ‘I’) want to undo the crappy, short tempered remarks you made to your littlest child when you were at an event that you hadn’t taken any food to….and said child who was hungry?
You want to take back the bitchy thing you said to your hubby and actually say, “thank you for all the great shit you do for us”.
You want to wear a big bag because you hate all your clothes and seriously consider getting a gad damn stylist to help with your shit arse fashion sense.
You want to be back to your fit self and go for a walk and instead go and eat some of the left over cheesecake.
You scroll through instagram and see all the fucking perfect lives everyone else is living, their crazy ability to wear clothes and they look nice.
You see on Fakebook all the bloody perfect lunches folks are making their kids and you feel like a putze and worry your kids are going to end up with some serious health issues because it isn’t all raw, unprocessed, gluten free, dairy free, sugar free…fuck…
And all the while, you notice NONE of this is actually helping!
So what do you do?
Well, I don’t know what you do (and yes I would love to know), but this morning I practiced something that I had to practice A LOT when I was in the depths of my deep physical and emotional pain.
I had to do this thing, that I am not joking is both revolutionary and yet so fucking hard for me at times…and it’s this thing…
I had to..OWN IT.
Yep, I had to own that I was feeling exactly how I was feeling. I felt fucking flat. Full stop. No story. Just did.
I felt unmotivated. Unproductive. Tired. Annoyed. Negative. And pretty meh!
No story. Just how I was showing up.
AND then I had to do this next thing which, is harder than the first!
No, really, for me this next step if full out uncomfortable….
I had to…BE KIND.
I know right. Sounds easy, simple, ‘pft’ and I gotta say it is easy to say the words, “I need to be kind to myself” but what is that?
Is it take a bath? Is it go for a walk? Is it call a friend? Is it retail therapy?
Sure, they are all kind behaviours. But what I am learning is that they are superficial acts when you really don’t ‘feel’ what is really going on when you are feeling flat, or dejected, or disappointed or not good enough…
The kind thing to do is to open up to the full experience of my flatness WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
That is kind.
Kind is giving yourself a break for being a fucking human.
Kind is allowing yourself to be in a funk…without the fucking story.
Kind is knowing that not everyone, everyday has all their shit together.
Kind is owning your stuff.
Owning where you are..right now….at the moment! (if you haven’t read about those as my 3 fave words you might want to check Three words that have SERIOUSLY transformed my life. No really!!)
Own your shit.
Take the fucking mask off and be real, with yourself.
Tell the truth to yourself.
And then, instead of saying, “snap out of you dumb fucker, you’re always feeling like this and you are always going to feel like this… you say, “yep, this is negative, this is wallowy, and that is okay. You are ok. I am ok. Yeah, I feel this way at the moment but shit sake…humans do sometimes”.
Then, you take a deep breath and move to the next moment.
That moment may have more flatness in it, or it might have more space to just wash the dishes, or respond to that email, or call to make that appointment without beating yourself up.
And wouldn’t that be pretty cool wayfinders?
That we could move to the next moment just being kind to ourselves?
Moving to the next moment choosing inner thoughts that are supportive and kind and gentle.
Imagine if we could do that for 3 whole moments, then 6, then a whole half a day! Imagine!
Yeah, lets try that shit out!
So, today I hit the reset…of nothing external to me…so no, I didn’t chuck anything out.
Instead, I hit the ‘do over’ on my thinking.
Bullshit self beat up just isn’t cool anymore….It’s just so 1925 (well, it’s old anyway).
Be kind to yourself…just give it a go…
Check out this song to support you: You know I love those songs!!
ps..that gorgeous image above is from taolifestudio.com x