A few blog posts back I wrote about my create block and about how as I have began to shift the emotional blocks, creativity has started to flow again.
I received a fair amount of feedback from that and learnt a lot just from the process of putting my process out in to the world.
Someone asked me if I felt I found my creativity again because I had time to explore it. Down time through clearing my plate (thank you illness). Well, I thought, that is a possibility. But actually, it didn’t feel true. Not true for me.
As I look around the world, as I listen to clients, to friends, to groups of mothers who gather at parties I hear repeatedly this thing about how busy everyone is. I see woman charging head first in to career and family and sports events and their marriage and dinner and and and…. Not only do I see them, I was one and probably as a result will always be a recovering Bullshit Busy Babe.
This may not be your truth at all, but here is what I reckon is really going on with this busy thing.
Busy is a drug we are addicted to that keeps us disconnected from how we REALLY feel about ourselves and our lives.
Busy means I don’t have to have a fucking hard look at how I do life. I don’t have to look at how I interact with those who are close to me. I mean, I am too busy to really sit down and have uncomfortable conversations about how I REALLY feel. I don’t have to own that I CHOOSE how I get to create my life. I get to blame everyone else who is getting in the way of me living my best life.
Busy means I don’t have to set boundaries. It means I don’t have to say NO when I mean NO. It means when someone says, “Can I have a chat about my business with you over coffee”, you have to get uncomfortable and say, “Absolutely, I have these times and these are my rates”.
It means I don’t have to get therapy or see a coach or do a workshop in order to understand what is really true for me and to be vulnerable and ask for support because I can’t do it all on my own. It means I don’t have to experience healing from great pain that I may have suppressed along the way. It means I don’t have to say, “I don’t know”.
And why would I want to have a conversation about how I really feel because the truth is, I don’t god-damn know. So I’ll keep busy, numbing the truth. Numbing out that I feel like I am not living my life’s purpose but don’t know what it is…I’ll numb out that I feel like I am not worthy. I’ll let people think I have my shit together…I mean, look at all I can do.
I’ll stay busy.
I’ll stay busy so that I don’t have to look you in the eye and say, “I feel so sad that I feel this way, but I am not willing to do what I know I have to to change.
I’ll stay busy. I’ll stay a victim of my circumstances.
Stay disconnected. Stay in this familiar discomfort.
Busy becomes the story. It becomes how we get attention. It is how we get recognition.
“I don’t know how you do it,” they say.
“Wow, you are amazing that you can fit it all in”. Feelings of worthiness come from ‘the more I do the better I am’…and if that is TRUE, then why is there a shit load of folk zipping around feeling absolutely unworthy, unfulfilled and tense to the extreme?
The F word.
Afraid that if I actually admit that I am living an unfulfilled life, I am going to have to make changes. Changes that could be volcanic and wipe out all that I have known to be true. Changes that may mean I need to leave my job or leave that relationship, or have that conversation with a loved one that is going to be as uncomfortable as shit. It means I will have to do something different to the way I have always done them.
When I say, “I can’t” what I am really saying is, “I won’t” or “I haven’t tried”.
Oh and what about the ‘It’s alright for you’….some of you will be starting to tell it already as you read this.
Busy folk are the best at telling the ‘It’s alright for you’ story. “Oh it is alright for you, you don’t have to work full time”. “It’s alright for you, you have your health”. “It’s alright for you, you don’t have 4 kids”. “It’s alright for you, your husband is supportive”….”It’s alright for you…blah blah.
I get it. I have done a lot of the “it’s all right for you” bullshit stories. Why? I mean really? Why are we projecting this story?
Yep, it is the F word again.
I am afraid that if I actually expand my vision in to just the sheer possibility that I could actually do something different I then would have to, yes, actually DO something different.
We live in a country that fortunately we don’t walk around rushing off to work with guns to our heads.
We might say, “well, we have mouths to feed, houses to pay for, designer clothes to wear to work……”. And I hear that. I can have my head in the cloud sometimes, but I hear that.
But this isn’t REALLY about money is it? That is just another BS story. “If I had more money I would….”.
Lets get really curious here.
Why are you REALLY busy?
Do you feel like if you aren’t busy you won’t fit into the cool gang who are just so busy and important doing busy and important things? So you’ll be rejected.
Do you feel like you won’t be able to keep up with the Jones’s? So you won’t feel worthy.
Or is it because you really don’t know why you are making the choices you are making. That maybe you are making choices because you believe that is what you SHOULD be doing?
Is it because you don’t know what makes your heart sing? About what lights you up?
You are afraid that you will have to make tough decisions?
What does Dr Phil say ALL the time?
“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”
But maybe we don’t REALLY want to change??? So why acknowledge it??
If you are saying, “it is alright for you” or “you don’t know what it is like in my world, don’t you know I run a small village”…yep, I don’t know what it is like in your world, but I know INTIMATELY the bullshit stories that keep us living a life that is truly OUR OWN WAY!
Is it possible that the story you are writing isn’t actually the one you TRULY want to write for you OWN life.
Is it possible you are making decisions out of a place of should, fear, victim?
Is it possible that you can live a full and vibrant life? Of course it is, but it won’t come without some push back. Without resistance. It just won’t.
You are not alone. Right with you as you find your way.
Be kind…and notice if you are beating yourself up internally right now. Put down the beating stick. Hold my hand. Lets walk together.
Jen: Wayfinder. Helping those find their OWN way as she finds hers.