This recent illness bizzo, as I deeply know about all challenges, is here to help me learn more about self compassion and about love. I know this. This is how life works. But shit, when it is happening, it bumps into all kinds of painful places….including cubital fossa’s (one for the anatomy and physiology lovers like me…other wise google it).
I had to have another blood test today..shout out to my awesome veins for tapping].
As I pushed open the door, 4 people sat in this tiny space.
I sat. All the folk were busy either reading magazines or on their phones, or the wee elderly guy next to me ferreting through his man bag looking for I am not sure what.
Through this illness bizzo I have been paying close attention to my energy. Where it is going. What I am losing it to. What I am gaining it from. If I have any at all in a moment.
Ordinarily, I would use the time to sit in a ‘waiting room’ not to wait, but to ‘work’…or at least I would tell myself that. I’d check my phone for messages, emails, FB, and whatever else I could do to ‘make use’ of the time. Or I’d trick myself into reading something ‘brain dead’ in a mag or the like. Pft. Waiting? Who does that now days anyway? Gotta be busy doing something! Right?
“Ok Jen. We are trying to slow down. Not just ‘out there’ but in here too. In this room. In this moment. Wherever you are”.
Thank you oh oracle inner voice!
“Yes, I hear you, but all the messages I get. You know, don’t wait or you’ll miss out. Time is running out to decide. Come on. Get moving. Push. You’re wasting this precious life. There are things to do. People to help. Work to get on with. Push. Come on! You’re not making enough of a difference.”
Oh thank you oh scared little inner voice…gosh you are noisy!
So I sat. Uncomfortable but ok.
I sat, just breathing.
Huh? What is happening?
The walls aren’t falling in. No one stood up out of their seats and yelled pointing at me, “lazy arse time waster”! The ‘waiting’ police must have been elsewhere!
I waited. Time passed. Everyone doing their thing, and I got to choose to sit. To wait.
Then it dawned on me…to wait. I HATE waiting. No, I really hate it!
I ask the kids to do something, I want it done now. I ask for direction from the universe and I want the answer now. I don’t like to just wait. To sit. To be still. I’d do all manner of things so that I don’t have to wait! TO be still. Meditation is even something I can DO!
Yes….I have even made mediation something to DO!
So I sat. I breathed. I waited.
God, how often have I been ‘busy’ thinking I needed to be doing something to be worthy. Doing something, anything to fill in the blank space? Filling my schedule up with all manner of things, just to fill in the space…
“Must do this…”. “Must get that done….” Must do that…….”. Mother must-er!!
You know that dear sweet scourging man next to me…well, he started to engage with me. First superficially as humans seem to do.
I waited with him.
I breathed for me.
I noticed that I was a bit reluctant to engage…my energy, my precious energy…please don’t take my energy! I’m trying to practice waiting and being still damn it!!
So I breathed. I felt a comfort wash over me as I was reminded of all the work I have been doing recently in Brene Browns Courage Works course.
Humans are hardwired for connection. You are, I am…our little guy in the waiting room is.
We all want to be truly seen and truly heard.
And in that moment, in that little room, I waited.
I just waited as he shared his harrowing past 6 months. A time that I can only imagine as so frightening and painful. I just listened.
AND THAT WAS ENOUGH.
I didn’t ask ‘curious’ questions….and frankly speaking for me at the moment is an effort…(thank you illness bizzo) so, I just listened.
I left space. I acknowledged his struggle. And that was enough.
Soon his number was called and he was gone.
I was no less in energy, no more in energy.
I was left just waiting again.
I didn’t have to DO anything in that moment…except to wait and breath.
So as I am tempted to ‘push though’ this illness bizzo, today I was reminded that waiting and breathing is enough.
That to listen while I wait, is enough.
Maybe you are a bit like me and want to push to the solution, to get he clarity, impatiently calling for your question to be answered…maybe you too need to wait and breath too? And I have to say….it is far easier than you might think!!!
And maybe like me, you will get a life teaching in a most unexpected way….
Thank you illness bizzo. I am healing. I’m slooowwwwwly getting it!
Big, big love.