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Saying NO to stuff I love…

 

If you have been reading anything I have written this year, you will know that my intention for the year was to learn how to slow down. How to really embrace and fall into the experience of being.

Little did I know at the time (although I kinda did know), this intention would be the doorway into a forest exploration that I really didn’t anticipate.

A few months back, I was accepted to write and article for a new up and coming magazine.

Pretty cool.

To be accepted, we had to submit some stuff we had written int he past and to pitch 3 concepts with a couple of sentences that explain the concept.

Of the 3 I pitched, the one chosen by the editor with a resounding “I LOVE THIS”, was titled “The BS of Busy”.

Ha!

Busy, a concept I have been exploring deeply in my life recently!

But what do I REALLY know about busy. About doing. Clearly I knew a thing or two, but I was left wondering..why do I know busy? Why is busy here? Why is busy something we explain our lives to be?

Now I am not a president of a country. I am not a CEO of a global company. I am not even an employee or an employer, so when people look at my life from the outside they could quite reasonably say, “god, she thinks she is busy, she should live my life”. And frankly, they could say this and possibly do.

And they could be right!

In the last five years though, as I collectively supported and participated in the creation of a T Shirt label, re-learnt a new trade so to speak and set up my own coaching business, ran workshops, did one on one coaching, blogged, primarily cared for 3 small kiddies, was studying to become a yoga teacher, went on adventures, created Soul Oxygen Retreats; I saw something happening.

Something was happening, and while it was awesome, something felt off balance.

Underlying all I do, ultimately exists an intention to serve. So support. To help. I  love it. I love it. I love it!

Hang on. I am doing all this stuff I love and yet I am exhausted. I am unwell. How?

How when you can love something so much, does it seem busy, does it take so much energy? Shouldn’t it just feel like it is in flow? Shouldn’t it just be effortless. Shouldn’t the energy just pour right back in?”What is this off balance sensation?”

So many questions. Questions I have been marinating in for a while.

Advanced Way-Finder Elizabeth Gilbert in her piece Saying NO to the things you LOVE pretty much delivered up the universal big arse-cheek slap to me! “Jennnnnnnnn!! HEAR THIS”. It said. Really, you gotta read it.

After I read it, I had to kinda let it swirl around me. I had to shelve it and come back to it. I knew there was something big in the message…

Of ALL the activities I ‘do’ in the world, how many of them are just FOR ME?

FOR ME? For MY life calling. For MY higher experience. For MY peace?

Long silence.

Oh the divine, uncomfortable, intriguing silence!

In the beautiful yet unsettling silence, the real, honest truth I have allowed to surface.

As a creative, as a way finder, I am always enticed and excited about possibilities and experiences. I get easily energised by the prospect of an adventure. Shiny, bright, exciting.

But it has become obvious to me know, that these adventures, while I am energised, still require my energy to participate. Preparations, logistics, organising, details, money, time, late nights, over-stimulated brain…over time, takes it’s toll.

 

Finally, as I have had to rest, to slow down and explore this crazy, loveable yes-ness about me, I have uncovered the truth in the forest. I finally really get why I am here. Exhale! …more on that to come.

In the meantime, if I have said no to you recently, know I love you and I am not letting YOU go. I am simply honouring ME first.

Big love

Jen – A way finder who is still finding her way.

Oh and PS – that article I wrote…you’ll see it when it’s published, I’ll be sure to let you know! xx

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In the ‘waiting’ room!

 

 

This recent illness bizzo, as I deeply know about all challenges, is here to help me learn more about self compassion and about love. I know this. This is how life works. But shit, when it is happening, it bumps into all kinds of painful places….including cubital fossa’s (one for the anatomy and physiology lovers like me…other wise google it).

I had to have another blood test today..shout out to my awesome veins for tapping].

As I pushed open the door, 4 people sat in this tiny space.

I sat. All the folk were busy either reading magazines or on their phones, or the wee elderly guy next to me ferreting through his man bag looking for I am not sure what.

Through this illness bizzo I have been paying close attention to my energy. Where it is going. What I am losing it to. What I am gaining it from. If I have any at all in a moment.

Ordinarily, I would use the time to sit in a ‘waiting room’ not to wait, but to ‘work’…or at least I would tell myself that. I’d check my phone for messages, emails, FB, and whatever else I could do to ‘make use’ of the time. Or I’d trick myself into reading something ‘brain dead’ in a mag or the like. Pft. Waiting? Who does that now days anyway? Gotta be busy doing something! Right?

Right?

“Ok Jen. We are trying to slow down. Not just ‘out there’ but in here too. In this room. In this moment. Wherever you are”.

Thank you oh oracle inner voice!

“Yes, I hear you, but all the messages I get. You know, don’t wait or you’ll miss out. Time is running out to decide. Come on. Get moving. Push. You’re wasting this precious life. There are things to do. People to help. Work to get on with. Push. Come on! You’re not making enough of a difference.”

Oh thank you oh scared little inner voice…gosh you are noisy!

So I sat. Uncomfortable but ok.

I sat, just breathing.

Still.

Huh? What is happening?

The walls aren’t falling in. No one stood up out of their seats and yelled pointing at me, “lazy arse time waster”! The ‘waiting’ police must have been elsewhere!

I waited. Time passed. Everyone doing their thing, and I got to choose to sit. To wait.

 

Then it dawned on me…to wait. I HATE waiting. No, I really hate it!

I ask the kids to do something, I want it done now. I ask for direction from the universe and I want the answer now. I don’t like to just wait. To sit. To be still. I’d do all manner of things so that I don’t have to wait! TO be still. Meditation is even something I can DO!

Yes….I have even made mediation something to DO!

 

So I sat. I breathed. I waited.

God, how often have I been ‘busy’ thinking I needed to be doing something to be worthy. Doing something, anything to fill in the blank space? Filling my schedule up with all manner of things, just to fill in the space…

“Must do this…”. “Must get that done….” Must do that…….”. Mother must-er!!

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You know that dear sweet scourging man next to me…well, he started to engage with me. First superficially as humans seem to do.

I listened.

I waited with him.

I breathed for me.

I noticed that I was a bit reluctant to engage…my energy, my precious energy…please don’t take my energy! I’m trying to practice waiting and being still damn it!!

So I breathed. I felt a comfort wash over me as I was reminded of all the work I have been doing recently in Brene Browns Courage Works course.

Humans are hardwired for connection. You are, I am…our little guy in the waiting room is.

We all want to be truly seen and truly heard.

And in that moment, in that little room, I waited.

I just waited as he shared his harrowing past 6 months. A time that I can only imagine as so frightening and painful. I just listened.

AND THAT WAS ENOUGH.

I didn’t ask ‘curious’ questions….and frankly speaking for me at the moment is an effort…(thank you illness bizzo) so,  I  just listened.

I left space. I acknowledged his struggle. And that was enough.

 

Soon his number was called and he was gone.

I was no less in energy, no more in energy.

I was left just waiting again.

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I didn’t have to DO anything in that moment…except to wait and breath.

So as I am tempted to ‘push though’ this illness bizzo, today I was reminded that waiting and breathing is enough.

That to listen while I wait, is enough.

Maybe you are a bit like me and want to push to the solution, to get he clarity, impatiently calling for your question to be answered…maybe you too need to wait and breath too? And I have to say….it is far easier than you might think!!!

And maybe like me, you will get a life teaching in a most unexpected way….

Thank you illness bizzo. I am healing. I’m slooowwwwwly getting it!

Big, big love.

xx