These last 2 weeks have been some of my toughest yet…

If you’ve been reading my ramblings lately, you would know that this year has been a quest is wooing up. Of slowing down. Exploring what that REALLY means to ME.

How we behave now, is just a repeat of how we behaved yesterday, and the day before. Patterns. Humans run patterns. They run patterns unless and until they can recognise them and assess if they are still working for us.

Given I am human, that means I too run patterns. Some healthy. Some not so healthy.

I’ve been reflecting.

At 13 my folks separated. We moved from a small country town to the ‘big smoke’. Busy-ish

Mum had some difficulties with mental health issues and that meant I had to help out a lot with my younger siblings. Busy-isher.

Things escalated as the years went on and at 15 we found ourselves in foster care. Busy.

Since leaving home at 16 life got proper busy!

Attending school full time and working part time (“Hi, welcome to Red Rooster can I take your order please?”) while living out of home so attending to all my own washing, food purchasing, food prep, money management, transport, friendships, periods, boy friends, teachers, assignments, complex family interactions, gym…lots of stuff for a teenager to deal with. Busy.

At 17..welcome Glandular Fever. It floored me. Proper floored me. I had to stop. I couldnt do anything but. I had to go to bare minimum. Take some time off school. Take some time off work. Some time to just rest. And slowly I healed. Slowed down. When my behaviour didn’t support slowing down, my body did.

After school, I went to university, still worked part time (at 3 different jobs). Busy.

Graduated uni at 20 and moved by myself to Townsville. Busy. Not a big deal because I was used to looking after myself. Working full time in paediatrics. Shift work and a very busy social life. Sometimes I would go to work without any sleep the night before (no children came to harm in my crazy behaviour). Busy. Work. Gym. Out till all hours. Repeat. Busy.

21 years old worked 3 months night duty to save money to go overseas. I worked from 1030pm till 7.30 am the following morning and slept for 4 hours a day for 3 months. Exhausting. Pushed on.

Took off over seas to work in upstate New York. Travelled by car with a bunch of other crazy foreigners around the US of A. Once we went over and back I went to the UK to hang with mates. Off the plane into a pub with the crew. Sleep? Nah. Keep pushing.

Came back to Australia and went straight back into working full time in a full-on area of nursing. Exhausted. Pushed on.

Fell into a heap with a reoccurrence of Glandular Fever. Very rare. 6 weeks off work. Basically crawling from my shower to the bed and back. Slowed down. When my behaviour didn’t support slowing down, my body did.

Got my energy back and saved up to travel across Australia by car. Busy.

Drove from Brisbane to Perth by myself.

Arrived in Perth. Picked up my nursing registration and off I went. Found a place to live. Worked. Saved. Socialised. Busy.

And on it goes.

I end up meeting a guy who I could see a future with. We shack up. We get serious. We decide we might get hitched. I fall pregnant. I lose the bubba. Keep moving. Try again. Fall pregnant.

Decide to move to Gold Coast from Brisbane while keeping my job in Brisbane. Carry on with the wedding plans. Decide to build duplexes. Busy.

Plan wedding and move house in 6 month period. Get married at 26 weeks pregnant. Busy.

Have baby. BUSY!!! 3 months later move to new place. Busy.

6 months later, fall pregnant again. Exhausted. Push on.

It all goes a bit blur after that because I had the second then fell pregnant with the 3rd and well…3 kids under 3 and a half…CRAZY BUSY. CRAZY BUSY. CRAZY I SAY!

I could go through the next 10 years but we’ll be here all night. And maybe that is worth another blog.

Fast forward to here.

I am exhausted. I’ve been trying not to push. I had to ask the universe, with some help with this whole slowing down thing. Clearly it isn’t a natural gig for me.

So I asked. “I REALLY need some support with this slowing down gig….can you show me the way?”

Seriously, in only a week, the universe offered me some support.

I LOVE how the universe supports our growth!

Not necessarily what I wanted, but clearly what I needed.

The last 2 weeks have been SO tough for me.

Physically I have hit a massive, massive wall. So massive I was sleeping 12-15 hours at a time and was suffering the MOST debilitating headaches that went non-stop for days.

Obviously this is totally unlike me.

I got a blood test.

Welcome to my blood stream, Ross River Fever.ย 

Welcome to my experience , Viral Meningitis.ย 

 

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Whaaat?

Needless to say, the last 2 weeks have been tough.

Actaully the last many months have been tough trying to manage this tiredness.

I have cancelledย a bunch of stuff that I love. That has been tough.

I have had to rest. Not something I know how to do well. That has been tough.

I haven’t been able to read because my eyes hurt so much. AND I LOVE to read. That has been tough.

I haven’t been able to make the kids lunches…ok, so not so tough ๐Ÿ˜‰

I haven’t been able to fold washing. Not tough at all ๐Ÿ˜‰

I haven’t been able to see clients. TOUGH.

I haven’t been able to do anything but rest….lay down. Sleep. Get acupuncture. Sit…although not for long because I get tired.

I can’t talk much because I get short of breath…you know how tough that is for me right?

I can’t walk far because my body hurts. Even as I type my wrists know they are affected.

BUT here is the upshot. And the upshot is big.

In this tiny piece of time I have heard A LOT of messages I have been too BUSY to really pay attention to. They have been coming thick and fast. AND it nearly makes me weep as I type.

…and those messages I will write about soon. After I have had some more rest.

I’m not writing all this to get sympathy and “poor you’s”. I am writing this to remind myself that life is always trying to give us the opportunity to wake up to our fullness. I haven’t REALLY been paying attention.

To share my journey of humanness so that we can all be reminded that shit happens to us humans. It just does.

To remind myself that the universe is kind and is always helping to guide us toward love. And to love ourselves when we are struggling is certainly a life path that requires deep commitment.

To let you know that this who ‘busy’ thing…well, it’s keeping you from you.

This is to say, Universe, I hear you AND I thank you.

What are your absolute REST practices? Love to hear.

PS. THANK YOU HUSBAND. MY GOD. YOU ARE SO AWESOME.

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PPS. Welcoming all the super love and healing energy you have spare. xxx

And rest……

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “These last 2 weeks have been some of my toughest yet…

  1. Oh Jen! That is terrible/awesome news! As I was reading I was thinking oh no, be careful what you wish for…! I feel for you and the torture that can be slowing down and resting. And resting and only resting, or so it seems sometimes. Having to let go of all the things we like to do in our lives in favour of you guessed it more resting – snore (in a boring way, not in a let’s have a nice little nap way…).
    I am also glad that you have also found the gem that is ‘hidden’ in the slow lane. Now, how to balance both?
    I have taken to learning to be in acceptance of where my limits are, of learning to be happy where I am, so that I do not lose another minute not enjoying my life. Sometimes I struggle with not being able to do all the things my mind says I want or need to do. It is a game of letting go, a game of shifting perspective, a game of being in gratitude, a game of changing focus and finding the blessing.
    One of the big messages I got from all the personal development I did in 2009/10 was that one must have a purpose and drive forward with it at all costs. What is coming to me now as I learn to tune into my body and be kind to and love myself is that I most need to be listening to what my body says and being kind and loving to myself. Letting go of the achievements and identity through being busy or achieving. Letting go of judgement of myself because I am not out there helping others, making a difference, saving/changing the world…letting go of what others may think of my inactivity (or any other topic). And really focussing on fine tuning who I am, how my body works and what it needs, and knowing that when the time is right I will be ready and able to achieve goals and conquer fears. That time is not now, but it is coming.
    Being present and grateful for the small things – and I really mean that, not as some trite saying, but really to think, if this is my last moment am I happy? Yes.

    Like

    1. ๐Ÿ™‚ Yes. I did chuckle a little….I know what you mean about be careful what you wish for Xanthe.

      That ‘all cost drive’ is such a masculine and non-gentle way (so I am learning).

      I hear you loud and clear on the listening to the wisdom of the body and not pushing through ‘at all costs’.

      Judgement release. Big. Distinguishing between lazy/numbing and self compassion. Big. Present moment awareness HUGE!

      Thanks for this great reply Xanthe!

      Lets gently walk along together to our goals. xxx

      Like

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