*warning* loads of use of the word shit in this piece.
Recently (11 days ago to be exact…I just checked) I wrote about ‘shit happening’ (original right?). Go HERE if you haven’t read it and you can be bothered.
If you can’t be bothered, the short version is this…life is full of curve balls, fast balls that hit you between the eyes, and kicks that seem to whack balls too (apparently that hurts). Sometimes life sucks, it just does. Sometimes it feels too big to carry the weight of.
I felt pretty pumped after writing that…chest thumpy pumpy.
I was up on my soap box (as I confessed) and was preachin’ it man!
While I still believe it to be fundamentally true, that yes, shit happens, what I really glossed over…no, rather entirely neglected..was…the gloomy depth you might experience WHEN you are experiencing life’s curve ball/nut cracker!
WHEN shit is happening it can feel like the most entirely enveloping, suffocating, anaesthetising experience. So constrictive at times you wonder how on earth you might breath. You wonder how on earth you can possibly get through it. To deal with it. To remain sane.
I’ve experienced quite a few shit storms in my time but it would be shit of me to even think I understood the experience of anyone else who is struggling to breath through the ball breaking.
My initial post on shit happens shows my un-natural desire to want to ‘fix things fast so we can move on”. I do absolutely still reckon, shit happens to us all, I don’t believe we just go, “oh well, shit happens, lets move on”. No, not at all.
I’ve noticed the times where I have seemingly stepped into the same lesson AGAIN, more often than not, it has been as a result of the whole “oh well, shit happens, get over it” BS line.
I haven’t allowed the experience to be my life teacher. And of course, I understand why…it f*cking hurts when you are getting smashed in the balls (apparently) so OF COURSE you just want it to stop…
I’ve experienced emotional pain so cutting, I felt that if I just wasn’t on this earthly plain, I would be pleased. My mind was giving me all kinds of alternatives to relieve the pain (brains are good like that) and some of them were fatal perceived fixes. Dark. Bleak. Muddy. Futile.
It is so hard at times when you are surrounded by the fragments of a diabolical storm to see anything clearly and the mind will behave like a scared little monkey, rattling the cage it is in.
- “Why is this happening?”
- “What have I done that is so bad I have to have this experience?”
- “I’m not a bad person…am I”?
- “Did I kill a small village, no..a large village in a past life?”
- “Does the universe hate me?”
It has taken the better part of 20 years to understand the function of shit storms…in my own life.
When I am being swirled around and can’t see a metre in front of me, I still ask all of those questions. It’s like a programmed script my mind has etched into my grey matter. I imagine when I go through the next one, I’ll do the same again. My mind defaults to what it is most experienced with.
After my last big shit fest I committed to opening up some other conscious dialogue my mind could pump out.
I started to ask some other questions: Questions that seem to have been able to help me transform the pain from consuming to supportive…
- “What do I need most, right now?”
- “Who can I ask to help support me right now…I know I’m not meant to go it alone?”
- “What is the biggest act of self love I can take right now?”
- “Am I willing to ask the universe to chime in to show me the next step?”
When I am in the midst of the storm, I can’t see “what I am supposed to learn out of this”. It’s too soon. It’s bypassing the experience. The experience IS the opportunity to learn. To learn ‘something’ so we don’t have to repeat the same shit over and over.
Not during the storm my beauties. Not during the storm will you get clarity. During the storm you just want to hold on and sing out for help!
If a storm is taking your breath away right now, know that ALL storms DO pass and while you are in it…just do what you gotta do to survive it.
Call a friend. See your therapist. Eat chocolate. Don’t eat. Over eat. Sleep. Don’t sleep. ASK FOR SUPPORT..someone to hold the torch in the dark for you. Observe how you feel in it. Do you numb? Do you run? Do you fight?
If a storm is upon you now, know you are not alone….ready to love you through it..
THEN…after the storm has passed, and it will, there will be time for reflection. For exploration of what it is life was wanting you to know.
Go gently and be kind to yourself.
Big, big love