If I asked you, “during the day, what do you spend most of your time focussed on?”, what would you say?
The last 5 years I have spent much of my waking energy, weeding my internal garden and planting beautiful seeds in their place. Intending to create a beautiful garden. Beautiful life.
I often ask people who are fellow inward journeyers, “what was the moment when everything changed for you? When you made the U-turn back to you?”
I get so many interesting answers, but usually, people say 1 of 3 things. One – “I just got so fed up with my life the way it was”. Two – “I started to feel like I didn’t belong anywhere and went looking. Then, stuff found me to help me shift”. Three – “my life turned to absolute shit (crisis hit)”.
For me, I have always been a curious character. I have always been interested in why we do what we do, and on a number of occasions I collected applications to university to study Psychology. I have been interested in not following the crowd. I have wanted to create a life I love.
10 years ago, everything I had wanted I had. The man I had asked for. No, literally asked for. I wrote a list. I had a job I ‘liked’ but knew wasn’t my ‘forever’ job. I was pregnant with our first bub. We were building 2 houses. My hubby had a job he liked. All pretty good. If you asked me, “what do you spend most of the day focussed on”, I would have most likely said, “creating a life we love”.
Fast forward 5 years from that bliss time, we had 3 children,with a husband who worked long hours and often having to travel. In fact, if you just fast forwarded 3 and a half years we had 3 children. 3 kids in 3 and a half years. If you had have asked me then, “what do you spend most of your time focussed on?” I would have said, “just getting through the day”.
How did I go from living a life of travel, adventure, career fun, and self improvement to, “just getting through the day?”
Gradually. I just gave and gave and gave to the kids, my hubby, my mum, giving. Thats what I did.
After 5 years, a couple more psychiatric admissions for my mum, full time caring for our three kids, and absolute exhaustion, an opportunity came along for me to have a few days away. A few days to go on an inward journey. A few days recommended by a friend of mine who had been off on this journey as well.
Just out of pure intrigue and the need for something out of the usual routine, I jumped on board and off I went.
Thursday to Sunday I went on a DEEP dive inward.
I went exploring my internal landscape and frankly, I was woken up to how many weeds had been left unattended. Over those days, I got my hands well and truly dirty ripping weeds left right and centre. Like nothing I had even imagined was possible.
It changed me!
There have been bush fires that have created devastation in my garden. Unexpected events that have left me bare and raw. But have paved the way for new growth.
The gardening continues. Something I have come to love.
I love exploring my inner garden. I visit the darkest places and wait for the sun to come in.
All of it is beautiful. All of it is part of me. All of it worth attending to.
Now, if I ask myself, “what do I spend most of my day focussed on?” I can say, “focussed on being the woman I want to be in the world”. Focussed on cultivating the characteristics that are important to me. Characteristics that align with being the kind of mother, the kind of friend, the kind of teacher, the kind of wife, the kind of daughter…..that I WANT TO BE.
I fail some days. BIG TIME. But one of the characteristics I nurture in my garden is that of self compassion. Can I be kind EVEN when I am not living aligned with who I want to be in the world.
It is a process. I have come to love the process. Losing judgement and instead opening up to curiosity. Losing the need to control, and opening to being in flow with the nature of things. Making choices that bring me closer to the kind of person I want to be. Adventuring. Experimenting.
I’ve come along way.
And ALL of it, so worth it!
So, “What do you spend most of your day focussed on”?
Big, big love