Among other things, I am a yoga student. Studying the ancient philosophy of yoga.
How zen I must be hey? How balanced I must be? How horizontal and chilled out I must be? All that bending, breathing, learning….
Pft. Well, here is the truth that I am experiencing that is far from all of those things!
I decided to become a yoga teacher. I had bounced it around a lot over the years I have been a student of the beautiful art. I made the decision finally because it aligned so well with all my other skills. I am naturally physically flexible, so the asanas I felt I could get a big tick for. I studied anatomy and physiology at university, so knew that that would be a cinch. I love it. It’s great for me. I’d love to share it with others. It will fill my love of learning. I can teach it to the kids! What is to lose…right??
I thought I would learn poses and some history of the ancient philosophy. Some kids yoga, pregnancy yoga, a bit of sanskrit. I honestly thought with all my prior learning, I would find it a breeze!
The road to Moksha, enlightenment, self awareness I have come to see is not a beautifully scented, soft stroll. For me it is filled with all manner of rocky paths, thorn covered flowers, self doubt, self criticism, rejection, and swamps….lots of swamps.
Thankfully, before I started the study of yogic philosophy I had picked up a lot of life skills through other various studies that have helped me to better navigate rough terrain. I say thankfully, because I actually wonder if I hadn’t have had those skills if I would have pulled out of my course. Yep, thats right…I might have bailed!
What I thought wouldn’t be that challenging for me in the beginning has proven to be yet another opportunity to explore where self love and love of others is absent. I have had to see more dark that resides in me and learn to accept it instead of reject it.
I have felt incredibly frustrated at times, just wanting to ‘get it done’. I have been confused with the content. Overwhelmed by the need to be able to pronounce asana names like Kandharasana, Dhyana Veerasana, Uddiyana Bandha.
I’ve had to listen to the voice of my ego speak so loudly at times I surely thought I would run. “You are not good enough to teach this, you can’t even say Marmanasthnam Kriya….and what is that asana anyway?”, it would say. “Everyone else seems to get this stuff”. “No one else is as confused as you”. The drone goes on….
Breath for eff sake! Breath! Relax your shoulders and breath girl. gentle reminders I am having to constantly employ!
And maybe that is it! Just breath! It is the only true thing that sustains my life here! Without it, next life….
So, for this life, all the learning I have had up until now, is useful to live a full and deep life….because that is what I want this time around.
So doesn’t it make sense that because I want to live the fullest and deepest and expansive life, I would call experiences that provoke and promote that?
To really infuse myself with the fundamental philosophy of yoga. The assumption that mind, body, spirit are all one and cannot be separated.
I can laugh at the self who signed up for this life expanding course 6 months ago. Committed to learn so I could teach. Truth is, I think I signed up to teach so I could learn.
The learning has only began (again). Wait until I am on the mat looking out to a bunch of humans all their for their own particular experience! Breath girl, breath!
We are always drawing in life experiences to help us get closer to our real truth. The truth that we are all magnificent and we all matter. All of us and all of our lives matter.
Whether I continue with my studies (which I will) or not (which I won’t) I can take the knowledge I have already learnt and apply that. I am so thankful for the amazing people I have met on this journey. People who have added such vibrancy and colour. o much more depth! How lucky am I? And to study with a beautiful teacher who truly embodies yogic philosophy. One of loving compassion.
I take comfort in the knowing that when it comes time to review my life, I will look back and say, yes, I am so pleased I chose all those learnings. What a full on, amazing, colourful, uncomfortable, love filled life that was!
As uncomfortable as it is for me at the moment, I have lived long enough to know it will pass. I will feel the discomfort, welcome it in even and then…keep moving forward. Always toward the light (god I hope it isn’t a train coming in the tunnel)!
I am reminded…no thing is wasted. No experience occurs that is NOT for us. IT IS ALL for us. And for this experience to date…I am grateful!!
Big, big love and if you have made it to here….seriously! How awesome you are!