I was awake last night from 12 midnight until 1.00 am. Not usual at all for me. Usually when my head hits the pillow it is goodnight sweetheart until it is time to wake in the morning!
I woke up from a dream, not a scary dream, just a dream that I cannot recall.
It was a hot night. I had eaten a dinner that wasn’t what I would call wholly nutritious. Maybe possible reasons? Regardless, I lay there awake. The kind of awake that you have when you are really excited about the events of the day ahead. Which for the most part I am usually….but not at 12 midnight.
As I lay there, I began to notice my thinking. Lots of activity. A lot of creative thoughts, a lot of fear thoughts, basically a LOT of thoughts.
Then it dawned on me.
Over the Easter break, I had been easily distracted from my daily stillness practice.
While all the adventures and connections over this time had be awesome, I really hadn’t carved out some meaningful time just to be still.
My mind has become used to have a rest. My thoughts are used to having space to be heard.
Last night at midnight, it was like the neglected child came into my room and decided to tell me everything it had been storing up, waiting for a moment to express.
When I realised this, I hopped out of bed, went to get some water, sat on the couch and gave my mind 10 minutes to interrupt my sleep. I let my mind express. I just watched. I just listened to each passing comment. I noticed my temptation to attach and follow the thought. I noticed my heart beating quite loudly. I noticed I was actually content.
Again, I noticed all kinds of thoughts. All kinds of creative thoughts. Work thoughts. Writing topic thoughts. Thoughts about friends and how they are. Disturbed thoughts. Thoughts of not doing enough. Thoughts of worry. Contemplations of that of the past. Angry thoughts. Many, many, many thoughts….and that was only in 10 minutes!
I set my timer which when it went off sounded like the waves lapping on the shore and when the timer went off, I said thank you to my mind and went to bed.
I slept deeply and woke feeling energised and calm. No snappy toms. No rushing. No pushing.
Honestly, I can’t know for sure why I woke last night. What I can be sure about though is that often things happen that we don’t understand.
Now days for me, it isn’t about using my energy to figure out why it is happening (even if I still do spend time in that space) but rather, “ok, well what am I going to do now that it has happened?”
For me, I just listened. I went within to hear what was going on. Something I had neglected for a while there.
It has taken a lot of practice for me to be okay to go within. For a very long time I was afraid of what I would hear. Of what I would find. Of what might find me.
Now, I recognise and notice I can be open and curious about what my mind has to say. I get to choose to believe or not…in that, I find freedom. I find if I allow my thoughts to have their space, there is less tantrum behaviour in an attempt to get attention. Thoughts still come, they always will…the gap between them is growing and my attachment to them is lessening.
How do you deal with your wakeful nights…if you have them?
Big, big love
Speak kindly to yourself